"I recently decided that I’m not giving up. There really is something irresistible about a lost cause.”
“Jacob.” I stared into his dark eyes, trying to make him take me seriously. “I love him, Jacob. He’s my whole life.”
“You love me, too,” he reminded me. He held up his hand when I started to protest. “Not the same way, I know. But he’s not your whole life, either. Not anymore. Maybe he was once, but he left. And now he’s just going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice — me. ”
I shook my head. “You’re impossible.”
Suddenly, he was serious. He took my chin in his hand, holding it firmly so that I couldn’t look away from his intent gaze.
“Until your heart stops beating, Bella,” he said. “I’ll be here — fighting. Don’t forget that you have options.”
“I don’t want options,” I disagreed, trying to yank my chin free unsuccessfully. “And my heartbeats are numbered, Jacob. The time is almost gone.”
His eyes narrowed. “All the more reason to fight — fight harder now, while I can,” he whispered.
He still had my chin — his fingers holding too tight, till it hurt — and I saw the resolve form abruptly in his eyes.
“N —” I started to object, but it was too late.
His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible.
I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn’t even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.
I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.
Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn’t fight, didn’t feel... just waited for him to stop.
It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me.
He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice... a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.
Finally, he let go of my face and leaned away.
“Are you done now?” I asked in an expressionless voice.
“Yes,” he sighed. He started to smile, closing his eyes.
I pulled my arm back and then let it snap forward, punching him in the mouth with as much power as I could force out of my body.
There was a crunching sound.
“Ow! OW! ” I screamed, frantically hopping up and down in agony while I clutched my hand to my chest.
It was broken, I could feel it.
Jacob stared at me in shock. “Are you all right?”
“No, dammit! You broke my hand! ”
“Bella,you broke your hand. Now stop dancing around and let me look at it.”
“Don’t touch me! I’m going home right now!”
“I’ll get my car,” he said calmly. He wasn’t even rubbing his jaw like they did in the movies. How pathetic.
“No, thanks,” I hissed. “I’d rather walk.” I turned toward the road. It was only a few miles to the border. As soon as I got away from him, Alice would see me. She’d send somebody to pick me up.
“Just let me drive you home,” Jacob insisted.
Unbelievably, he had the nerve to wrap his arm around my waist.
I jerked away from him.
“Fine!” I growled. “Do! I can’t wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!”
Jacob rolled his eyes. He walked me to the passenger side of his car and helped me in. When he got in the driver’s side, he was whistling.
“Didn’t I hurt you at all?” I asked, furious and annoyed.
“Are you kidding? If you hadn’t started screaming, I might not have figured out that you were trying to punch me. I may not be made out of stone, but I’m not that soft.”
“I hate you, Jacob Black.”
“That’s good. Hate is a passionate emotion.”
“I’ll give you passionate,” I muttered under my breath. “Murder, the ultimate crime of passion.”
“Oh, c’mon,” he said, all cheery and looking like he was about to start whistling again. “That had to be better than kissing a rock.”
“Not even remotely close,” I told him coldly.
He pursed his lips. “You could just be saying that.”
“But I’m not.”
That seemed to bother him for a second, but then he perked up. “You’re just mad. I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing, but I thought it was pretty incredible myself.”
“Ugh,” I groaned.
“You’re going to think about it tonight. When he thinks you’re asleep, you’ll be thinking about your options.”
“If I think about you tonight, it will be because I’m having a nightmare.”
He slowed the car to a crawl, turning to stare at me with his dark eyes wide and earnest.
“Just think about how it could be, Bella,” he urged in a soft, eager voice. “You wouldn’t have to change anything for me. You know Charlie would be happy if you picked me. I could protect you just as well as your vampire can — maybe better. And I would make you happy, Bella. There’s so much I could give you that he can’t. I’ll bet he couldn’t even kiss you like that — because he would hurt you. I would never, never hurt you, Bella.”
I held up my injured hand.
He sighed. “That wasn’t my fault. You should have known better.”
“Jacob, I can’t be happy without him.”
“You’ve never tried,” he disagreed. “When he left, you spent all your energy holding on to him. You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me.”
“I don’t want to be happy with anyone but him,” I insisted.
“You’ll never be able to be as sure of him as you are of me. He left you once, he could do it again.”
“No, he will not,” I said through my teeth. The pain of the memory bit into me like the lash of a whip. It made me want to hurt him back.
“You left me once,” I reminded him in a cold voice, thinking of the weeks he’d hidden from me, the words he’d said to me in the woods beside his home.
“I never did,” he argued hotly. “They told me I couldn’t tell you — that it wasn’t safefor you if we were together. But I never left, never! I used to run around your house at night — like I do now. Just making sure you were okay.”
I wasn’t about to let him make me feel bad for him now.
“Take me home. My hand hurts.”
He sighed, and started driving at a normal speed, watching the road.
“Just think about it, Bella.”
“No,” I said stubbornly.
“You will. Tonight. And I’ll be thinking about you while you’re thinking about me.”
“Like I said, a nightmare.”
He grinned over at me. “You kissed me back.”
I gasped, unthinkingly balling my hands up into fists again, hissing when my broken hand reacted.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I did not. ”
“I think I can tell the difference.”
“Obviously you can’t — that was not kissing back, that was trying to get you the hell off of me, you idiot.”
He laughed a low, throaty laugh. “Touchy. Almost overly defensive, I would say.”
I took a deep breath. There was no point in arguing with him; he would twist anything I said. I concentrated on my hand, trying to stretch out my fingers, to ascertain where the broken parts were. Sharp pains stabbed along my knuckles. I groaned.
“I’m really sorry about your hand,” Jacob said, sounding almost sincere. “Next time you want to hit me, use a baseball bat or a crowbar, okay?”
“Don’t think I’ll forget that,” I muttered.
I didn’t realize where we were going until we were on my road.
“Why are you taking me here?” I demanded.
He looked at me blankly. “I thought you said you were going home?”
“Ugh. I guess you can’t take me to Edward’s house, can you?” I ground my teeth in frustration.
Pain twisted across his face, and I could see that this affected him more than anything else I’d said.
“This is your home, Bella,” he said quietly.
“Yes, but do any doctors live here?” I asked, holding up my hand again.
“Oh.” He thought about that for a minute. “I’ll take you to the hospital. Or Charlie can.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital. It’s embarrassing and unnecessary.”
He let the Rabbit idle in front of the house, deliberating with an unsure expression. Charlie’s cruiser was in the driveway.
I sighed. “Go home, Jacob.”
I climbed out of the car awkwardly, heading for the house. The engine cut off behind me, and I was less surprised than annoyed to find Jacob beside me again.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“I am going to get some ice on my hand, and then I am going to call Edward and tell him to come and get me and take me to Carlisle so that he can fix my hand. Then, if you’re still here, I am going to go hunt up a crowbar.”
He didn’t answer. He opened the front door and held it for me.
We walked silently past the front room where Charlie was lying on the sofa.
“Hey, kids,” he said, sitting forward. “Nice to see you here, Jake.”
“Hey, Charlie,” Jacob answered casually, pausing. I stalked on to the kitchen.
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered.
“She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes.
“How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.
Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”
Charlie laughed, too, and I scowled while I beat the tray against the edge of the sink. The ice scattered inside the basin, and I grabbed a handful with my good hand and wrapped the cubes in the dishcloth on the counter.
“Why did she hit you?”
“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.
“Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.
I ground my teeth and went for the phone. I dialed Edward’s cell.
“Bella?” he answered on the first ring. He sounded more than relieved — he was delighted. I could hear the Volvo’s engine in the background; he was already in the car — that was good. “You left the phone. I’m sorry, did Jacob drive you home?”
“Yes,” I grumbled. “Will you come and get me, please?”
“I’m on my way,” he said at once. “What’s wrong?”
“I want Carlisle to look at my hand. I think it’s broken.”
It had gone quiet in the front room, and I wondered when Jacob would bolt. I smiled a grim smile, imagining his discomfort.
“What happened?” Edward demanded, his voice going flat.
“I punched Jacob,” I admitted.
“Good,” Edward said bleakly. “Though I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
I laughed once, because he sounded as pleased as Charlie had.
“I wish I’d hurt him.” I sighed in frustration. “I didn’t do any damage at all.”
“I can fix that,” he offered.
“I was hoping you would say that.”
There was a slight pause. “That doesn’t sound like you,” he said, wary now. “What did he do?”
“He kissed me,” I growled.
All I heard on the other end of the line was the sound of an engine accelerating.
In the other room, Charlie spoke again. “Maybe you ought to take off, Jake,” he suggested.
“I think I’ll hang out here, if you don’t mind.”
“Your funeral,” Charlie muttered.
“Is the dog still there?” Edward finally spoke again.
“Yes.”
“I’m around the corner,” he said darkly, and the line disconnected.
As I hung up the phone, smiling, I heard the sound of his car racing down the street. The brakes protested loudly as he slammed to a stop out front. I went to get the door.
“How’s your hand?” Charlie asked as I walked by. Charlie looked uncomfortable. Jacob lolled next to him on the sofa, perfectly at ease.
I lifted the ice pack to show it off. “It’s swelling.”
“Maybe you should pick on people your own size,” Charlie suggested.
“Maybe,” I agreed. I walked on to open the door. Edward was waiting.
“Let me see,” he murmured.
He examined my hand gently, so carefully that it caused me no pain at all. His hands were almost as cold as the ice, and they felt good against my skin.
“I think you’re right about the break,” he said. “I’m proud of you. You must have put some force behind this.”
“As much as I have.” I sighed. “Not enough, apparently.”
He kissed my hand softly. “I’ll take care of it,” he promised.
And then he called, “Jacob,” his voice still quiet and even.
“Now, now,” Charlie cautioned.
I heard Charlie heave himself off of the sofa. Jacob got to the hall first, and much more quietly, but Charlie was not far behind him. Jacob’s expression was alert and eager.
“I don’t want any fighting, do you understand?” Charlie looked only at Edward when he spoke. “I can go put my badge on if that makes my request more official.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Edward said in a restrained tone.
“Why don’t you arrest me, Dad?” I suggested. “I’m the one throwing punches.”
Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to press charges, Jake?”
“No.” Jacob grinned, incorrigible. “I’ll take the trade any day.”
Edward grimaced.
“Dad, don’t you have a baseball bat somewhere in your room? I want to borrow it for a minute.”
Charlie looked at me evenly. “Enough, Bella.”
“Let’s go have Carlisle look at your hand before you wind up in a jail cell,” Edward said. He put his arm around me and pulled me toward the door.
“Fine,” I said, leaning against him. I wasn’t so angry anymore, now that Edward was with me. I felt comforted, and my hand didn’t bother me as much.
We were walking down the sidewalk when I heard Charlie whispering anxiously behind me.
“What are you doing? Are you crazy?”
“Give me a minute, Charlie,” Jacob answered. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.”
I looked back and Jacob was following us, stopping to close the door in Charlie’s surprised and uneasy face.
Edward ignored him at first, leading me to the car. He helped me inside, shut the door, and then turned to face Jacob on the sidewalk.
I leaned anxiously through the open window. Charlie was visible in the house, peeking through the drapes in the front room.
Jacob’s stance was casual, his arms folded across his chest, but the muscles in his jaw were tight.
Edward spoke in a voice so peaceful and gentle that it made the words strangely more threatening. “I’m not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella.”
“Hmph,” I grumbled.
Edward turned slightly to throw me a quick smile. His face was still calm. “It would bother you in the morning,” he said, brushing his fingers across my cheek.
Then he turned back to Jacob. “But if you ever bring her back damaged again — and I don’t care whose fault it is; I don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head — if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?”
Jacob rolled his eyes.
“Who’s going back?” I muttered.
Edward continued as if he hadn’t heard me. “And if you ever kiss her again, I will break your jaw for her,” he promised, his voice still gentle and velvet and deadly.
“What if she wants me to?” Jacob drawled, arrogant.
“Hah!” I snorted.
“If that’s what she wants, then I won’t object.” Edward shrugged, untroubled. “You might want to wait for her to say it, rather than trust your interpretation of body language — but it’s your face.”
Jacob grinned.
“You wish,” I grumbled.
“Yes, he does,” Edward murmured.
“Well, if you’re done rummaging through my head,” Jacob said with a thick edge of annoyance, “why don’t you go take care of her hand?”
“One more thing,” Edward said slowly. “I’ll be fighting for her, too. You should know that. I’m not taking anything for granted, and I’ll be fighting twice as hard as you will.”
“Good,” Jacob growled. “It’s no fun beating someone who forfeits.”
“She is mine.” Edward’s low voice was suddenly dark, not as composed as before. “I didn’t say I would fight fair.”
“Neither did I.”
“Best of luck.”
Jacob nodded. “Yes, may the best man win.”
“That sounds about right . . . pup.”
Jacob grimaced briefly, then he composed his face and leaned around Edward to smile at me. I glowered back. “I hope your hand feels better soon. I’m really sorry you’re hurt.”
Childishly, I turned my face away from him.
I didn’t look up again as Edward walked around the car and climbed into the driver’s side, so I didn’t know if Jacob went back into the house or continued to stand there, watching me.
“How do you feel?” Edward asked as we drove away.
“Irritated.”
He chuckled. “I meant your hand.”
I shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”
“True,” he agreed, and frowned.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Breathe in, breathe out
I lie awake again,
My body's feeling paralyzed
I can’t remember when
I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me
They couldn’t set me free
I’m stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
The storm is rolling in
The thunders is loud it hurts my ears
I’m paying for my sins
And its gonna rain for years and years
I fooled everyone and now what will I become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
My body's feeling paralyzed
I can’t remember when
I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me
They couldn’t set me free
I’m stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
The storm is rolling in
The thunders is loud it hurts my ears
I’m paying for my sins
And its gonna rain for years and years
I fooled everyone and now what will I become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?
Breathe in breathe out
Breathe in breathe out
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Emergency vampirization
When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.
"You're not going to let it go, are you?"
"No."
"In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment."
"I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you."
"They'll survive." I could feel their stares boring into my back.
"I may not give you back, though," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.
I gulped.
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
I tried to remember how to exhale. I had to look away before it came back to me.
"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."
"It's the safest time of day for us," he said, answering the unspoken question in my eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" He smiled wistfully.
"Having the advantages I do," he murmured, touching his forehead discreetly, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…"
Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered.
"You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouth watering."
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."
"I may not be a human, but I am a man,"
"Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."
"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
He frowned in disgust. "That wasn't funny."
"Can I get you anything?" I asked, not wanting to be rude.
He rolled his eyes. "Just eat, Bella."
I suppressed my internal cringing at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boy friend all in the same room at the same time.
It was hard to decide what to wear. I doubted there were any etiquette books detailing how to dress when your vampire sweetheart takes you home to meet his vampire family.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"
"That's right," I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at his casual use of the word.
He shook his head. "You're incredible."
"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.
"We have to wait for thunder to play ball — you'll see why," he promised.
Alice bounded up and to the door in a fashion that would break any ballerina's heart.
"Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"
"I'll take a nap."
He moved from the hard plastic chair by my side to the turquoise faux-leather recliner at the foot of my bed, leaning it all the way back, and closing his eyes. He was perfectly still.
"Don't forget to breathe," I whispered sarcastically. He took a deep breath, his eyes still closed.
"I think that boy is in love with you," she accused, keeping her voice low.
"Oh, you'll get over it — it's just a crush."
"That's the beautiful thing about being human," he told me. "Things change."
My eyes narrowed. "Don't hold your breath."
"So ready for this to be the end," he murmured, almost to himself, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."
"It's not the end, it's the beginning," I disagreed under my breath.
"I'm not worth it," he said sadly.
"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."
"I know what I am."
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged.
"It's a tie."
Time passes, even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.
That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…
Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods.
Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.
To see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.
Just like me.
"Here's to responsibility," he toasted. "Twice a week."
"And recklessness every day in between," I emphasized.
This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination—adrenaline plus danger plus stupidity.
"Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?"
Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.
But Jacob just rolled his eyes. "You hit your head pretty hard, didn't you?"
The shadows didn't seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.
"Bears don't want to eat people. We don't taste that good." He grinned at me in the dark cab. "Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good."
"Thanks so much," I said, looking away. He wasn't the first person to tell me that.
I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.
"I remember this guy," he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. "The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?"
I raised one eyebrow. "Some people are hard to discourage."
"Then again," Jacob said thoughtfully, "sometimes persistence pays off."
"Most of the time it's just annoying, though."
One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I'd been broken beyond repair.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jacob asked, worry creasing his forehead.
I looked up at him, the tears not yet dried on my cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"
"Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's not your secret to tell."
"Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"
"Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?"
"So, you're the vampire girl."
I stiffened. "Yes. Are you the wolf girl?"
Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.
Mike's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Bella. The guy's head over heels for you."
"I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated."
"And girls are cruel"
And I flung myself off the cliff. I was almost happy that it was over. This was an easier death than others I'd faced. Oddly peaceful. I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?
Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten what real happiness felt like. Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.
Was I dying again, then? I didn't like it—this wasn't as good as the last time.
Jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…It was the sound of comfort.
I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing—and that's something no one wants to hear.
Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
"I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!"
I wasn't going to live without you , he'd said, as if it should be such an obvious conclusion.
"You are so bizarre, even for a human."
"Trust me, Bella. If anyone sets up a roadblock, it will be behind us."
"Is this a joke?" he mumbled.
Alice's smile was blinding. "Only if you think it's funny."
Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine, as he’d once put it.
If we could bottle your luck, we’d have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.
“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.”
“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”
“You are in trouble,” I said slowly, emphasizing each word. “Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”
I snapped the phone shut and placed it in her waiting hand. “I’m done.”
She grinned. “This hostage stuff is fun.”
“I hate you, Jacob Black.”
“That’s good. Hate is a passionate emotion.”
“I’ll give you passionate,” I muttered under my breath. “Murder, the ultimate crime of passion.”
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered.
“She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes.
“How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.
Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”
“Why did she hit you?”
“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.
“Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.
“I don’t want any fighting, do you understand?” Charlie looked only at Edward when he spoke. “I can go put my badge on if that makes my request more official.”
Edward spoke in a voice so peaceful and gentle that it made the words strangely more threatening. “I’m not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella.”
“Hmph,” I grumbled.
Edward turned slightly to throw me a quick smile. His face was still calm. “It would bother you in the morning,” he said, brushing his fingers across my cheek.
So eager for eternal damnation.
“I lie all the time.”
“Yes, but you’re such a bad liar that it doesn’t really count. Nobody believes you.”
The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.
“Some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves.”
“I’ve noticed that werewolves in particular are prone to that mistake — do you think it’s a genetic thing?”
“Sometimes I think you like me better as a wolf.”
“Sometimes I do. It probably has something to do with the way you can’t talk. ”
“You’re only human,” he whispered, stroking my hair again.
“That’s the most miserable defense I’ve ever heard.”
It was like having my nightmares walk forward to greet me.
“Nothing is impossible,” Edward murmured, voice velvet soft as he moved another inch closer to her.
“Except what you want. You’ll never touch her.”
“I’ll be your friend, Bella,” he said quietly. “I won’t ask for more than that.”
“I think it’s too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?”
He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. “Maybe... it will have to be a long-distance friendship.”
“He’s like a drug for you, Bella.” His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. “I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.”
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. “I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.”
He sighed. “The clouds I can handle. But I can’t fight with an eclipse.”
I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. “You know I love you.”
“I know,” he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance. Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier — that’s what everyone always said. But I didn’t care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.
“‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’”
Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah’s more of a wolverine.
"You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."
I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that.
If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.
The girl was a classic martyr. She'd totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause.
"Did you know that I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked, cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up."
"Good one."
Emergency vampirization
"Oh, I hadn't heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons."
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.
Today had begun like any other day. How did it change so completely, turn all surreal?
I gritted my teeth. She was allowed to kill herself for a monster, but I wasn't allowed
to miss a few nights' sleep to watch her do it?
Sleepless Beauty
She was wrapped up like a burrito in a couple of thick quilts
"You know how you drown a blonde, Rosalie?" I asked without stopping or turning to look at her. "Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool."
"Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain?" I asked, and then continued on the same breath, "a golden retriever."
Vampire mother hen
"What's for breakfast?" I asked, a little sarcastic. "O negative or AB positive?"
"S'not so hard to erase a blonde's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
They got into it then, quickly taking the genetics conversation to a point where the only words I could understand were thethe's and theands.
a genetic dead end
Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.
How do a blonde's brain cells die? Alone.
He couldn't hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldn't hate me, either.
"It goes against the grain," he explained, "letting you wrestle with lions. I was having an anxiety attack the whole time."
"You're giving me a house for my birthday?" I whispered
he looked like Zeus's younger, better-looking brother.
"Yeah, I know, I know. They're the good guys, they're here to help, they're going to save us all. Etcetera, etcetera. Say what you want, I still think Dracula One and Dracula Two are creep-tacular."
Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age.
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.
Which is worse: to love someone enough to never hurt them and never leave them, or to love someone enough to let them go when you know it’s the best thing for them, even though they may never get over it?
"You're not going to let it go, are you?"
"No."
"In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment."
"I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you."
"They'll survive." I could feel their stares boring into my back.
"I may not give you back, though," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.
I gulped.
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
I tried to remember how to exhale. I had to look away before it came back to me.
"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."
"It's the safest time of day for us," he said, answering the unspoken question in my eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" He smiled wistfully.
"Having the advantages I do," he murmured, touching his forehead discreetly, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…"
Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered.
"You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouth watering."
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."
"I may not be a human, but I am a man,"
"Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."
"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
He frowned in disgust. "That wasn't funny."
"Can I get you anything?" I asked, not wanting to be rude.
He rolled his eyes. "Just eat, Bella."
I suppressed my internal cringing at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boy friend all in the same room at the same time.
It was hard to decide what to wear. I doubted there were any etiquette books detailing how to dress when your vampire sweetheart takes you home to meet his vampire family.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"
"That's right," I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at his casual use of the word.
He shook his head. "You're incredible."
"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.
"We have to wait for thunder to play ball — you'll see why," he promised.
Alice bounded up and to the door in a fashion that would break any ballerina's heart.
"Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"
"I'll take a nap."
He moved from the hard plastic chair by my side to the turquoise faux-leather recliner at the foot of my bed, leaning it all the way back, and closing his eyes. He was perfectly still.
"Don't forget to breathe," I whispered sarcastically. He took a deep breath, his eyes still closed.
"I think that boy is in love with you," she accused, keeping her voice low.
"Oh, you'll get over it — it's just a crush."
"That's the beautiful thing about being human," he told me. "Things change."
My eyes narrowed. "Don't hold your breath."
"So ready for this to be the end," he murmured, almost to himself, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."
"It's not the end, it's the beginning," I disagreed under my breath.
"I'm not worth it," he said sadly.
"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."
"I know what I am."
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged.
"It's a tie."
Time passes, even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.
That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…
Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods.
Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.
To see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.
Just like me.
"Here's to responsibility," he toasted. "Twice a week."
"And recklessness every day in between," I emphasized.
This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination—adrenaline plus danger plus stupidity.
"Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?"
Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.
But Jacob just rolled his eyes. "You hit your head pretty hard, didn't you?"
The shadows didn't seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.
"Bears don't want to eat people. We don't taste that good." He grinned at me in the dark cab. "Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good."
"Thanks so much," I said, looking away. He wasn't the first person to tell me that.
I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.
"I remember this guy," he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. "The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?"
I raised one eyebrow. "Some people are hard to discourage."
"Then again," Jacob said thoughtfully, "sometimes persistence pays off."
"Most of the time it's just annoying, though."
One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I'd been broken beyond repair.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jacob asked, worry creasing his forehead.
I looked up at him, the tears not yet dried on my cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"
"Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's not your secret to tell."
"Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"
"Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?"
"So, you're the vampire girl."
I stiffened. "Yes. Are you the wolf girl?"
Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.
Mike's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Bella. The guy's head over heels for you."
"I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated."
"And girls are cruel"
And I flung myself off the cliff. I was almost happy that it was over. This was an easier death than others I'd faced. Oddly peaceful. I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?
Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten what real happiness felt like. Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.
Was I dying again, then? I didn't like it—this wasn't as good as the last time.
Jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…It was the sound of comfort.
I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing—and that's something no one wants to hear.
Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
"I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!"
I wasn't going to live without you , he'd said, as if it should be such an obvious conclusion.
"You are so bizarre, even for a human."
"Trust me, Bella. If anyone sets up a roadblock, it will be behind us."
"Is this a joke?" he mumbled.
Alice's smile was blinding. "Only if you think it's funny."
Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine, as he’d once put it.
If we could bottle your luck, we’d have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.
“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.”
“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”
“You are in trouble,” I said slowly, emphasizing each word. “Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.”
I snapped the phone shut and placed it in her waiting hand. “I’m done.”
She grinned. “This hostage stuff is fun.”
“I hate you, Jacob Black.”
“That’s good. Hate is a passionate emotion.”
“I’ll give you passionate,” I muttered under my breath. “Murder, the ultimate crime of passion.”
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered.
“She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes.
“How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.
Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”
“Why did she hit you?”
“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.
“Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.
“I don’t want any fighting, do you understand?” Charlie looked only at Edward when he spoke. “I can go put my badge on if that makes my request more official.”
Edward spoke in a voice so peaceful and gentle that it made the words strangely more threatening. “I’m not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella.”
“Hmph,” I grumbled.
Edward turned slightly to throw me a quick smile. His face was still calm. “It would bother you in the morning,” he said, brushing his fingers across my cheek.
So eager for eternal damnation.
“I lie all the time.”
“Yes, but you’re such a bad liar that it doesn’t really count. Nobody believes you.”
The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.
“Some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves.”
“I’ve noticed that werewolves in particular are prone to that mistake — do you think it’s a genetic thing?”
“Sometimes I think you like me better as a wolf.”
“Sometimes I do. It probably has something to do with the way you can’t talk. ”
“You’re only human,” he whispered, stroking my hair again.
“That’s the most miserable defense I’ve ever heard.”
It was like having my nightmares walk forward to greet me.
“Nothing is impossible,” Edward murmured, voice velvet soft as he moved another inch closer to her.
“Except what you want. You’ll never touch her.”
“I’ll be your friend, Bella,” he said quietly. “I won’t ask for more than that.”
“I think it’s too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?”
He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. “Maybe... it will have to be a long-distance friendship.”
“He’s like a drug for you, Bella.” His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. “I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.”
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. “I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.”
He sighed. “The clouds I can handle. But I can’t fight with an eclipse.”
I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. “You know I love you.”
“I know,” he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance. Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier — that’s what everyone always said. But I didn’t care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.
“‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’”
Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah’s more of a wolverine.
"You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."
I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that.
If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.
The girl was a classic martyr. She'd totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause.
"Did you know that I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked, cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up."
"Good one."
Emergency vampirization
"Oh, I hadn't heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons."
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.
Today had begun like any other day. How did it change so completely, turn all surreal?
I gritted my teeth. She was allowed to kill herself for a monster, but I wasn't allowed
to miss a few nights' sleep to watch her do it?
Sleepless Beauty
She was wrapped up like a burrito in a couple of thick quilts
"You know how you drown a blonde, Rosalie?" I asked without stopping or turning to look at her. "Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool."
"Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain?" I asked, and then continued on the same breath, "a golden retriever."
Vampire mother hen
"What's for breakfast?" I asked, a little sarcastic. "O negative or AB positive?"
"S'not so hard to erase a blonde's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
They got into it then, quickly taking the genetics conversation to a point where the only words I could understand were thethe's and theands.
a genetic dead end
Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.
How do a blonde's brain cells die? Alone.
He couldn't hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldn't hate me, either.
"It goes against the grain," he explained, "letting you wrestle with lions. I was having an anxiety attack the whole time."
"You're giving me a house for my birthday?" I whispered
he looked like Zeus's younger, better-looking brother.
"Yeah, I know, I know. They're the good guys, they're here to help, they're going to save us all. Etcetera, etcetera. Say what you want, I still think Dracula One and Dracula Two are creep-tacular."
Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age.
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.
Which is worse: to love someone enough to never hurt them and never leave them, or to love someone enough to let them go when you know it’s the best thing for them, even though they may never get over it?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
I heart Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?
Francis: Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Dewey: [eating carrot sticks] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.
Malcolm: It's weird — I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling at my mouth. Oh! I think I'm happy!
Reese: You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
Francis: Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.
Reese: I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.
Lois: So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.
Reese: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name?
Dewey: Ragina Tucker.
Reese: Hmm, we'll think of something.
Lois: Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.
Hal: You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.
Hal: If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
Malcolm: I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet... you keep... talking.
Reese: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.
Dewey: He's my evil twin?
Reese: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey: But, I don't want to be an evil twin.
Reese: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What is it you said you're doing here?
Hal: We're watching the cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.
Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.
Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?
Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.
Hal: Reese, surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and twenty gallons of explosive fuel? It's like giving a shark a submachine gun!
Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Dewey: NO!
Lois: Excuse me?
Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it. Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom]
Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!
Walkie-talkie: Hey, are those two kids still stuck in the tiger pit?
[Panic washes over the crowd]
Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission the zoo down the street!
Hal: Malcolm and Reese?
Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.
[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]
Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!
Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.
Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Amazing race, how sweet the taste
That saved a wrench for me.
I once was in the lost and found,
Was blind, but found my keys.
Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?
[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...
Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.
Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community needs a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
Hal: One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.
Dewey's thoughts: Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.
Hal: Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?
Francis: We might consider trying to reach a compromise.
Otto: Do I look French to you?
Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?
Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.
Francis: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.
Reese: Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed.
Dewey: Is one of the normal kids fat?
Reese: It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
Reese: If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.
Reese: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.
Hal: Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Reese: Dewey, do you trust me?
Dewey: No.
Reese: Do you fear me?
Dewey: No.
[pause]
Dewey: Not in the long run.
Reese: Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.
Craig Feldspar: Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Reese: Guys! I just made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I'm gonna name it... blellow!
[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.
Hal: [Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Lois: [background] Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: [background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: [background] OH MY GOD!
Hal: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!
Lois: [pinches a girl's nostrils shut to get her to let go of Reese] Now, honey, if you want to breathe again, you are going to have to let go of Reese.
Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a powerful stink bomb. [looks at his hands] These hands look wrong enough.
News Presenter: [in Dewey's imagination] Boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who's boring? Me. Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring - why haven't you changed the channel yet?
Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.
Francis: Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Dewey: [eating carrot sticks] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.
Malcolm: It's weird — I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling at my mouth. Oh! I think I'm happy!
Reese: You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
Francis: Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.
Reese: I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.
Lois: So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.
Reese: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name?
Dewey: Ragina Tucker.
Reese: Hmm, we'll think of something.
Lois: Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.
Hal: You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.
Hal: If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
Malcolm: I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet... you keep... talking.
Reese: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.
Dewey: He's my evil twin?
Reese: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey: But, I don't want to be an evil twin.
Reese: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What is it you said you're doing here?
Hal: We're watching the cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.
Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.
Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?
Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.
Hal: Reese, surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and twenty gallons of explosive fuel? It's like giving a shark a submachine gun!
Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Dewey: NO!
Lois: Excuse me?
Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it. Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom]
Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!
Walkie-talkie: Hey, are those two kids still stuck in the tiger pit?
[Panic washes over the crowd]
Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission the zoo down the street!
Hal: Malcolm and Reese?
Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.
[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]
Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!
Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.
Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Amazing race, how sweet the taste
That saved a wrench for me.
I once was in the lost and found,
Was blind, but found my keys.
Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?
[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...
Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.
Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community needs a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
Hal: One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.
Dewey's thoughts: Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.
Hal: Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?
Francis: We might consider trying to reach a compromise.
Otto: Do I look French to you?
Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?
Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.
Francis: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.
Reese: Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed.
Dewey: Is one of the normal kids fat?
Reese: It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
Reese: If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.
Reese: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.
Hal: Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Reese: Dewey, do you trust me?
Dewey: No.
Reese: Do you fear me?
Dewey: No.
[pause]
Dewey: Not in the long run.
Reese: Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.
Craig Feldspar: Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Reese: Guys! I just made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I'm gonna name it... blellow!
[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.
Hal: [Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Lois: [background] Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: [background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: [background] OH MY GOD!
Hal: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!
Lois: [pinches a girl's nostrils shut to get her to let go of Reese] Now, honey, if you want to breathe again, you are going to have to let go of Reese.
Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a powerful stink bomb. [looks at his hands] These hands look wrong enough.
News Presenter: [in Dewey's imagination] Boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who's boring? Me. Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring - why haven't you changed the channel yet?
Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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