So I have very interesting friends, who say the randomest things. So I shall record them down here, as and when they are said, for the amusement of all.
Me: Hey are you still sick?
Classmate: No I just have an allergy to mornings.
Friend 1:
(sighing over the general lack of a job) Yaar, if only we could win a lottery.
Me: Ya but they would give us all the money at one go and we would spend it all very quickly.
Friend: Isn't there a way they could keep it in an account and pay us a monthly stipend?
(Something to look into, lottery companies)
We should have prison tags you know, both of us. And the control in other person's hand. Then whenever we're bummy lazy then just press button and shock each other.
(In reference to Career Fair) I can't believe I just did that. All those engineering companies and I walked out like I was the chef of some Italian cuisine.
Arranged toh mere kutte ki bhi shaadi nahi hogi (even my dog won't have an arranged marriage)
Why can't guys just have periods and have kids?
Can I chant bum-bum-bum to the tune of your clock ticking?
I slept off by mistake. Then woke up and pondered over mistake. Then cannot sleep till I finish these notes, so now chatting with you.
To self: Shut up and do the tutorial. Don't go upside down on the bed.
Why do you need to change everytime after a shower?
Do you think if we were born blonde, we would have been caught as being stupid earlier?
Your earrings look different upside down.
Friend 2:
You know what, there are around 6 billion people on this planet, and so 3 billion females(ladies). So, if you were to date one "lady" each day, you would still not date all in your lifetime. Something to think about :P
I understand why guys get into relationships with gals. But why do gals get into relationships with guys?
Don't worry about getting a job right now. Worry about it only on weekends. (HOW do you switch off your brain? :O )
Friend 3:
Swati, if I kill someone, will you defend me?
(Me: I will help you plead insanity.)
Friend 4:
Prof: Heisenberg came up with the uncertainty principle and shocked the world.
Friend: Where did he get a battery that big? :O
How does the double slit experiment work?
Rajnikant stares at the electron and it splits into 2 and each part goes through one of the 2 slits. Hence explained.
(In reference to a discussion on stars and sun signs, due to a certain Star Gazing assignment) There is one planet which affects all of us. It is called the earth.
(Because the clouds were blocking Jupiter and the queue towards the telescope was not moving) I wish I could get a giant fan and blow all the clouds away.
You know the rain is just clouds sweating. Like when we run, we sweat and lose weight.
I am working part-time, and I get very interesting questions asked sometimes, like...
How do I become a forensic investigator?
I know the document submission deadline is tomorrow. What if I can't submit then?
Me: Why haven't you been able to get it done?
I am a little careless, so I did not bother doing it.
... to be updated regularly
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Dear Blank Please Blank
Dear pi,
You're increasing my radius.
Sincerely, fat honours math student.
Dear rug,
I love the way you lie.
Sincerely, floor.
Dear boy,
You want your eyes back?
Sincerely, I found them in my cleavage.
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear six-year-old-sister,
When I talk about losing my virginity on the phone, I don't need you enlisting the whole house to help me find it.
Sincerely, stop eavesdropping.
Dear guy behind me who is riding my bumper,
Unfortunately for you, I am about to make an abrupt stop just because I feel like it.
Sincerely, wheee!!!
Dear Little Mermaid,
You were a mute, I'm pretty sure that means he only liked you for your body...
Sincerely, intelligent women everywhere.
Dear Santa Claus,
The toys are ready to ship to the North Pole!
Sincerely, China
Dear person texting while walking,
Sorry for breaking your nose. Can you see me now?
Sincerely, lamp post.
Dear family,
We are on vacation. Why are we up at 7 in the morning!?
Sincerely, disgruntled teenage child.
Dear airhead in my history class,
Yes, A.D. does stand for after dinosaurs.
Sincerely, amused classmate.
Dear boys who want x-ray vision as their superpower,
Congratulations, you can now see girls' skeletons.
Sincerely, have you ever seen an x-ray?
Dear raisins,
Please get out of my cookies.
Sincerely, I thought those were chocolate chips.
Dear cereal,
They're only using you to get to me.
Sincerely, marshmallows.
Dear thighs,
Please lend me some thunder?
Sincerely, A-cups.
Dear society,
How have you managed to make girls feel bad for being virgins AND losing their virginity?
Sincerely, what do you want from us?!?
Dear roommate,
I am not giving you permission to sing louder when I turn the stereo up. I'm trying to drown out your voice.
Sincerely, you're off pitch.
Dear bus driver,
No, no, no. I was only running to see if I could get in a quick workout before school. I didn't need a ride or anything.
Sincerely, now late to class.
Dear Elevator,
Remember that night in Vegas? Well, we have a son and his name is Escalator.
Sincerely, Stairs.
Dear ancient Mayans,
Your prediction skills can't be that great... You didn't even see the Spanish coming.
Sincerely, 2012
Dear guy with big headphones who tries to act like a tough gangsta,
I can hear Party in the USA blasting from your headphones.
Sincerely, nice try.
Dear mom,
When I tell you that I can't find something, thanks for saying "Well it's gotta be somewhere!" because for a second there I thought I was looking for something that didn't exist...
Sincerely, your daughter.
Dear people who don't check their pockets before putting them in the laundry,
Thanks for the money.
Sincerely, Anonymous.
Dear guy with the British accent,
You instantly became more attractive. Say more words.
Sincerely, average American girl.
You're increasing my radius.
Sincerely, fat honours math student.
Dear rug,
I love the way you lie.
Sincerely, floor.
Dear boy,
You want your eyes back?
Sincerely, I found them in my cleavage.
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear six-year-old-sister,
When I talk about losing my virginity on the phone, I don't need you enlisting the whole house to help me find it.
Sincerely, stop eavesdropping.
Dear guy behind me who is riding my bumper,
Unfortunately for you, I am about to make an abrupt stop just because I feel like it.
Sincerely, wheee!!!
Dear Little Mermaid,
You were a mute, I'm pretty sure that means he only liked you for your body...
Sincerely, intelligent women everywhere.
Dear Santa Claus,
The toys are ready to ship to the North Pole!
Sincerely, China
Dear person texting while walking,
Sorry for breaking your nose. Can you see me now?
Sincerely, lamp post.
Dear family,
We are on vacation. Why are we up at 7 in the morning!?
Sincerely, disgruntled teenage child.
Dear airhead in my history class,
Yes, A.D. does stand for after dinosaurs.
Sincerely, amused classmate.
Dear boys who want x-ray vision as their superpower,
Congratulations, you can now see girls' skeletons.
Sincerely, have you ever seen an x-ray?
Dear raisins,
Please get out of my cookies.
Sincerely, I thought those were chocolate chips.
Dear cereal,
They're only using you to get to me.
Sincerely, marshmallows.
Dear thighs,
Please lend me some thunder?
Sincerely, A-cups.
Dear society,
How have you managed to make girls feel bad for being virgins AND losing their virginity?
Sincerely, what do you want from us?!?
Dear roommate,
I am not giving you permission to sing louder when I turn the stereo up. I'm trying to drown out your voice.
Sincerely, you're off pitch.
Dear bus driver,
No, no, no. I was only running to see if I could get in a quick workout before school. I didn't need a ride or anything.
Sincerely, now late to class.
Dear Elevator,
Remember that night in Vegas? Well, we have a son and his name is Escalator.
Sincerely, Stairs.
Dear ancient Mayans,
Your prediction skills can't be that great... You didn't even see the Spanish coming.
Sincerely, 2012
Dear guy with big headphones who tries to act like a tough gangsta,
I can hear Party in the USA blasting from your headphones.
Sincerely, nice try.
Dear mom,
When I tell you that I can't find something, thanks for saying "Well it's gotta be somewhere!" because for a second there I thought I was looking for something that didn't exist...
Sincerely, your daughter.
Dear people who don't check their pockets before putting them in the laundry,
Thanks for the money.
Sincerely, Anonymous.
Dear guy with the British accent,
You instantly became more attractive. Say more words.
Sincerely, average American girl.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Poems from a lifetime ago
Jab main chhoti thi, jag ka, Andey jaisa tha aakaar;
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar!
Phir mera ghar bana ghonsla, Sookhe tinkon se tayyar
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar.
Phir main nikal padi shaakhon par, Hari bhari thi jo sukumar;
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar.
Lekin jab main aasmaan mein, Udi door tak pankh pasaar
Tabhi samajh mein meri aaya, Bahut bada hai yeh sansaar!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में एक सितारा था
माना वह बेहद प्यारा था
वह डूब गया तो डूब गया
अम्बर के आनन को देखो
कितने इसके तारे टूटे
कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे
जो छूट गए फिर कहाँ मिले
पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर
कब अम्बर शोक मनाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में वह था एक कुसुम
थे उसपर नित्य निछावर तुम
वह सूख गया तो सूख गया
मधुवन की छाती को देखो
सूखी कितनी इसकी कलियाँ
मुर्झाई कितनी वल्लरियाँ
जो मुर्झाई फिर कहाँ खिली
पर बोलो सूखे फूलों पर
कब मधुवन शोर मचाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में मधु का प्याला था
तुमने तन मन दे डाला था
वह टूट गया तो टूट गया
मदिरालय का आँगन देखो
कितने प्याले हिल जाते हैं
गिर मिट्टी में मिल जाते हैं
जो गिरते हैं कब उठतें हैं
पर बोलो टूटे प्यालों पर
कब मदिरालय पछताता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
मृदु मिटटी के हैं बने हुए
मधु घट फूटा ही करते हैं
लघु जीवन लेकर आए हैं
प्याले टूटा ही करते हैं
फिर भी मदिरालय के अन्दर
मधु के घट हैं मधु प्याले हैं
जो मादकता के मारे हैं
वे मधु लूटा ही करते हैं
वह कच्चा पीने वाला है
जिसकी ममता घट प्यालों पर
जो सच्चे मधु से जला हुआ
कब रोता है चिल्लाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई।
- Harivansh Rai Bachchan
-----------------------------------------------------------
सिंहासन हिल उठे राजवंशों ने भृकुटी तानी थी
बूढ़े भारत में आई फिर से नयी जवानी थी
गुमी हुई आज़ादी की कीमत सबने पहचानी थी
दूर फिरंगी को करने की सबने मन में ठानी थी
चमक उठी सन सत्तावन में, वह तलवार पुरानी थी
बुंदेले हरबोलों के मुँह हमने सुनी कहानी थी
खूब लड़ी मर्दानी वह तो झांसी वाली रानी थी
कानपूर के नाना की, मुँहबोली बहन छबीली थी
लक्ष्मीबाई नाम, पिता की वह संतान अकेली थी
नाना के सँग पढ़ती थी वह, नाना के सँग खेली थी
बरछी ढाल, कृपाण, कटारी उसकी यही सहेली थी
वीर शिवाजी की गाथायें उसकी याद ज़बानी थी
बुंदेले हरबोलों के मुँह हमने सुनी कहानी थी
- Subhadra Kumari Chauhan
----------------------------------------------------------------
पुष्प की अभिलाषा
चाह नहीं मैं सुरबाला के
गहनों में गूँथा जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, प्रेमी-माला में
बिंध प्यारी को ललचाऊँ
चाह नहीं, सम्राटों के शव
पर हे हरि, डाला जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, देवों के सिर पर
चढ़ूँ भाग्य पर इठलाऊँ
मुझे तोड़ लेना वनमाली
उस पथ पर देना तुम फेंक
मातृभूमि पर शीश चढ़ाने
जिस पर जावें वीर अनेक ।
- माखनलाल चतुर्वेदी
----------------------------------------------------------------------
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
धीर तुम बढ़े चलो
साथ में ध्वजा रहे
बाल दल सजा रहे
ध्वज कभी झुके नहीं
दल कभी रुके नहीं
सामने पहाड़ हो
सिंह की दहाड़ हो
तुम निडर,हटो नहीं
तुम निडर,डटो वहीं
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
धीर तुम बढ़े चलो
प्रात हो कि रात हो
संग हो न साथ हो
सूर्य से बढ़े चलो
चन्द्र से बढ़े चलो
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
-द्वारिकाप्रसाद माहेश्वरी
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake
- Rabindranath Tagore
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar!
Phir mera ghar bana ghonsla, Sookhe tinkon se tayyar
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar.
Phir main nikal padi shaakhon par, Hari bhari thi jo sukumar;
Tab main yahi samajhti thi, Bus itna sa hi hai sansaar.
Lekin jab main aasmaan mein, Udi door tak pankh pasaar
Tabhi samajh mein meri aaya, Bahut bada hai yeh sansaar!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में एक सितारा था
माना वह बेहद प्यारा था
वह डूब गया तो डूब गया
अम्बर के आनन को देखो
कितने इसके तारे टूटे
कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे
जो छूट गए फिर कहाँ मिले
पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर
कब अम्बर शोक मनाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में वह था एक कुसुम
थे उसपर नित्य निछावर तुम
वह सूख गया तो सूख गया
मधुवन की छाती को देखो
सूखी कितनी इसकी कलियाँ
मुर्झाई कितनी वल्लरियाँ
जो मुर्झाई फिर कहाँ खिली
पर बोलो सूखे फूलों पर
कब मधुवन शोर मचाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
जीवन में मधु का प्याला था
तुमने तन मन दे डाला था
वह टूट गया तो टूट गया
मदिरालय का आँगन देखो
कितने प्याले हिल जाते हैं
गिर मिट्टी में मिल जाते हैं
जो गिरते हैं कब उठतें हैं
पर बोलो टूटे प्यालों पर
कब मदिरालय पछताता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई
मृदु मिटटी के हैं बने हुए
मधु घट फूटा ही करते हैं
लघु जीवन लेकर आए हैं
प्याले टूटा ही करते हैं
फिर भी मदिरालय के अन्दर
मधु के घट हैं मधु प्याले हैं
जो मादकता के मारे हैं
वे मधु लूटा ही करते हैं
वह कच्चा पीने वाला है
जिसकी ममता घट प्यालों पर
जो सच्चे मधु से जला हुआ
कब रोता है चिल्लाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई।
- Harivansh Rai Bachchan
-----------------------------------------------------------
सिंहासन हिल उठे राजवंशों ने भृकुटी तानी थी
बूढ़े भारत में आई फिर से नयी जवानी थी
गुमी हुई आज़ादी की कीमत सबने पहचानी थी
दूर फिरंगी को करने की सबने मन में ठानी थी
चमक उठी सन सत्तावन में, वह तलवार पुरानी थी
बुंदेले हरबोलों के मुँह हमने सुनी कहानी थी
खूब लड़ी मर्दानी वह तो झांसी वाली रानी थी
कानपूर के नाना की, मुँहबोली बहन छबीली थी
लक्ष्मीबाई नाम, पिता की वह संतान अकेली थी
नाना के सँग पढ़ती थी वह, नाना के सँग खेली थी
बरछी ढाल, कृपाण, कटारी उसकी यही सहेली थी
वीर शिवाजी की गाथायें उसकी याद ज़बानी थी
बुंदेले हरबोलों के मुँह हमने सुनी कहानी थी
- Subhadra Kumari Chauhan
----------------------------------------------------------------
पुष्प की अभिलाषा
चाह नहीं मैं सुरबाला के
गहनों में गूँथा जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, प्रेमी-माला में
बिंध प्यारी को ललचाऊँ
चाह नहीं, सम्राटों के शव
पर हे हरि, डाला जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, देवों के सिर पर
चढ़ूँ भाग्य पर इठलाऊँ
मुझे तोड़ लेना वनमाली
उस पथ पर देना तुम फेंक
मातृभूमि पर शीश चढ़ाने
जिस पर जावें वीर अनेक ।
- माखनलाल चतुर्वेदी
----------------------------------------------------------------------
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
धीर तुम बढ़े चलो
साथ में ध्वजा रहे
बाल दल सजा रहे
ध्वज कभी झुके नहीं
दल कभी रुके नहीं
सामने पहाड़ हो
सिंह की दहाड़ हो
तुम निडर,हटो नहीं
तुम निडर,डटो वहीं
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
धीर तुम बढ़े चलो
प्रात हो कि रात हो
संग हो न साथ हो
सूर्य से बढ़े चलो
चन्द्र से बढ़े चलो
वीर तुम बढ़े चलो
-द्वारिकाप्रसाद माहेश्वरी
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake
- Rabindranath Tagore
Monday, January 31, 2011
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sex and the City
Maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in Hansel and Gretel—she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.
Charlotte : Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient.
Samantha : I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?
Charlotte : I proposed to myself!
Carrie : What?
Charlotte : Yes. I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.
Carrie : Wait. What exactly did he say?
Charlotte : Alrighty!
Carrie : Alrighty? He said alrighty? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, it's that you proposed to a guy that says "alrighty."
Charlotte : Oh, Carrie, stop!
Carrie : Alrighty.
Miranda : Maybe it's time that I stop being so angry.
Carrie : Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time?
Natasha :Yes, I'm sorry about it all. I' m sorry he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. I'm sorry that we ever got married. I'm sorry he cheated on me with you and I'm sorry that i pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs and broke my tooth. I'm very sorry that after much painful dental surgery this tooth is still a different colour than this tooth. Finally I'm sorry that you felt the need to come down here. Now, not only have you ruined my marriage, you 've ruined my lunch.
Carrie : The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor.
Carrie: [Carrie is fallen on the runway and she gets up] When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.
Miranda: [mocking Samantha's announcement that she is now a lesbian] Oh, I forgot to tell you - I'm a fire hydrant!
Samantha : Fuck men. We have to run to Helga the Hot Waxer every other week, but them? How would they like it if we told them to shape their hedge, trim their trunk?
Carrie : Plant their bulbs? I'm sorry, we are talking about gardening, aren't we?
Charlotte: We are having Trey´s sperm tested
Miranda: Is it not doing well in school?
Carrie: You're pregnant? Really?
Miranda: No, I just thought it would be a fun thing to say. Fuck!
Miranda: I don't know why they call it morning sickness, because it lasts all fucking day long. Unless it's M-O-U-R-N, as in "mourning the loss of your single life."
Carrie : I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers. Now I know: They are people who have recently moved in with someone.
Miranda : It's amazing. In a courtroom, reasonable doubt can get you off for murder. In an engagement, it makes you feel like a bad person.
Samantha : "Best" is like signing "Not Love."
Miranda : Why do we get stuck with old maid and spinster and men get to be bachelors and playboys?
Miranda : No, he's not sick. He's not hungry, he's not teething, he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can but I can't please him. If he was 35 this is when we would break up.
Miranda : I don´t invest anymore, it´s too volatile
Carrie : Exactly! I like my money right where I can see it... hanging in my closet!
[Berger is shocked by the price of a Prada shirt]
Prada Sales Guy : But you will wear it forever!
Berger : Yeah, I'd have to! Does it also somehow open into a small studio apartment?
[Miranda can fit into her "skinny jeans."]
Charlotte : How'd you do it?
Miranda : Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother, and stopped having any time to eat.
Samantha : Oh, that's a diet I won't be trying.
Carrie : I tried the trapeze yesterday for that piece that I'm writing.
Charlotte : I could never! I have the most terrible fear of heights.
Carrie : Well, I do not. You've seen my shoes.
Carrie : Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?
Charlotte : Big is in town?
Carrie : Yeah, he's here for a little heart thing.
Miranda : What, is he on the wait list to get one?
Big : [to Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha] You're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth.
Charlotte : Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient.
Samantha : I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?
Charlotte : I proposed to myself!
Carrie : What?
Charlotte : Yes. I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.
Carrie : Wait. What exactly did he say?
Charlotte : Alrighty!
Carrie : Alrighty? He said alrighty? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, it's that you proposed to a guy that says "alrighty."
Charlotte : Oh, Carrie, stop!
Carrie : Alrighty.
Miranda : Maybe it's time that I stop being so angry.
Carrie : Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time?
Natasha :Yes, I'm sorry about it all. I' m sorry he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. I'm sorry that we ever got married. I'm sorry he cheated on me with you and I'm sorry that i pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs and broke my tooth. I'm very sorry that after much painful dental surgery this tooth is still a different colour than this tooth. Finally I'm sorry that you felt the need to come down here. Now, not only have you ruined my marriage, you 've ruined my lunch.
Carrie : The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor.
Carrie: [Carrie is fallen on the runway and she gets up] When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.
Miranda: [mocking Samantha's announcement that she is now a lesbian] Oh, I forgot to tell you - I'm a fire hydrant!
Samantha : Fuck men. We have to run to Helga the Hot Waxer every other week, but them? How would they like it if we told them to shape their hedge, trim their trunk?
Carrie : Plant their bulbs? I'm sorry, we are talking about gardening, aren't we?
Charlotte: We are having Trey´s sperm tested
Miranda: Is it not doing well in school?
Carrie: You're pregnant? Really?
Miranda: No, I just thought it would be a fun thing to say. Fuck!
Miranda: I don't know why they call it morning sickness, because it lasts all fucking day long. Unless it's M-O-U-R-N, as in "mourning the loss of your single life."
Carrie : I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers. Now I know: They are people who have recently moved in with someone.
Miranda : It's amazing. In a courtroom, reasonable doubt can get you off for murder. In an engagement, it makes you feel like a bad person.
Samantha : "Best" is like signing "Not Love."
Miranda : Why do we get stuck with old maid and spinster and men get to be bachelors and playboys?
Miranda : No, he's not sick. He's not hungry, he's not teething, he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can but I can't please him. If he was 35 this is when we would break up.
Miranda : I don´t invest anymore, it´s too volatile
Carrie : Exactly! I like my money right where I can see it... hanging in my closet!
[Berger is shocked by the price of a Prada shirt]
Prada Sales Guy : But you will wear it forever!
Berger : Yeah, I'd have to! Does it also somehow open into a small studio apartment?
[Miranda can fit into her "skinny jeans."]
Charlotte : How'd you do it?
Miranda : Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother, and stopped having any time to eat.
Samantha : Oh, that's a diet I won't be trying.
Carrie : I tried the trapeze yesterday for that piece that I'm writing.
Charlotte : I could never! I have the most terrible fear of heights.
Carrie : Well, I do not. You've seen my shoes.
Carrie : Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?
Charlotte : Big is in town?
Carrie : Yeah, he's here for a little heart thing.
Miranda : What, is he on the wait list to get one?
Big : [to Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha] You're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth.
Friday, December 31, 2010
It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets.
New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. ~Hamilton Wright Mabie
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. ~P.J. O'Rourke
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. ~Mark Twain
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~Brooks Atkinson
I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second. ~Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
~Edgar Guest
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. ~Joey Adams
He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
~F.M. Knowles
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. ~Mark Twain
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. ~P.J. O'Rourke
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. ~Mark Twain
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~Brooks Atkinson
I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second. ~Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
~Edgar Guest
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. ~Joey Adams
He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
~F.M. Knowles
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. ~Mark Twain
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Recession humour
They used to say there are only two sure things in life – death and taxes. Now there are three – death, taxes, and borrowing money from the Chinese.
Things are bad. The poor are being ignored, the country is at war, rising unemployed. In fact, Margaret Thatcher picked up the newspaper and thought, "Hey, I must still be Prime Minister."
The term credit crunch was actually the first name given to Dorset Cereal Muesli. And if you can afford to buy the stuff, then I think the the real credit crunch does not affect you.
The Dow Jones is looking so ugly and battered they are considering changing it to the Vinnie Jones.
How much do you think bankers make? Some now make as much as £150,000 a year. But they say it stimulates the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to pubs, clubs and brothels ... and so it will eventually get back in the community.
The Government has always warned us that al-Qa'ida has planned an attack to damage our economy. Well, I've a feeling someone is sitting in a cave right now going "Wasn't me".
So let me get this right, it started with Bush creating sub-prime lending, a way for the poor of America to afford their own housing. It crashes, causing worldwide financialdisaster, plummeting our banks and mortgages, but now giving a chance for first-time buyers to get on the property ladder here. Define irony...
Mervyn King today said, "There is light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately it is a candle.
The biggest worry in the US is gas prices getting higher, and if that happens we might see something totally unprecedented in America. People actually walking.
People are too willing to put their non-existent money on credit cards. The only people who only accept cash are drug dealers. And they've all kept their jobs and still drive around in BMWs.
What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
No wonder Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingley failed with the FSA in charge. What do the Food Standards Agency know about mortgages? They can't even get the fat content of a latte right.
We can't really complain about capitalism backfiring on us like this. As my grandmother used to say, "There's no point whingeing about being eaten by a horse if you've decided to play polo dressed as a sugar lump."
I knew the banks were in trouble when I turned on to watch Deal Or No Deal and the banker had disappeared. There was just Noel Edmonds, 22 boxes and a recorded message.
I remember the good old days, when "credit crunch" was just the sound your kneecaps made when the loan shark caught up with you. They were simpler times.
A man walks in to a sweet shop and says, "Have you heard about the credit crunch?" The man behind the counter replies, "Is that made by Cadbury's or Nestlé?"
Things are bad. The poor are being ignored, the country is at war, rising unemployed. In fact, Margaret Thatcher picked up the newspaper and thought, "Hey, I must still be Prime Minister."
The term credit crunch was actually the first name given to Dorset Cereal Muesli. And if you can afford to buy the stuff, then I think the the real credit crunch does not affect you.
The Dow Jones is looking so ugly and battered they are considering changing it to the Vinnie Jones.
How much do you think bankers make? Some now make as much as £150,000 a year. But they say it stimulates the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to pubs, clubs and brothels ... and so it will eventually get back in the community.
The Government has always warned us that al-Qa'ida has planned an attack to damage our economy. Well, I've a feeling someone is sitting in a cave right now going "Wasn't me".
So let me get this right, it started with Bush creating sub-prime lending, a way for the poor of America to afford their own housing. It crashes, causing worldwide financialdisaster, plummeting our banks and mortgages, but now giving a chance for first-time buyers to get on the property ladder here. Define irony...
Mervyn King today said, "There is light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately it is a candle.
The biggest worry in the US is gas prices getting higher, and if that happens we might see something totally unprecedented in America. People actually walking.
People are too willing to put their non-existent money on credit cards. The only people who only accept cash are drug dealers. And they've all kept their jobs and still drive around in BMWs.
What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
No wonder Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingley failed with the FSA in charge. What do the Food Standards Agency know about mortgages? They can't even get the fat content of a latte right.
We can't really complain about capitalism backfiring on us like this. As my grandmother used to say, "There's no point whingeing about being eaten by a horse if you've decided to play polo dressed as a sugar lump."
I knew the banks were in trouble when I turned on to watch Deal Or No Deal and the banker had disappeared. There was just Noel Edmonds, 22 boxes and a recorded message.
I remember the good old days, when "credit crunch" was just the sound your kneecaps made when the loan shark caught up with you. They were simpler times.
A man walks in to a sweet shop and says, "Have you heard about the credit crunch?" The man behind the counter replies, "Is that made by Cadbury's or Nestlé?"
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Life sucks sometimes
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses -- but, as a lifestyle, I find it too confining.
Some days you're the windshield,
Some days you're the bug.
“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that on one ever asks for.
"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic.
Some days you're the windshield,
Some days you're the bug.
“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that on one ever asks for.
"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic.
Friday, October 22, 2010
मैं हूँ ना !
I have had these dialogues stuck in my head forever, so I tracked them down today after going through 13 parts of Main Hoon Na.
ज़िन्दगी निकलती जाती है, और हम सब प्यार के बिना जीना सीख लेते हैं |
क्यों प्यार को मौका नहीं देते, क्यों अपनों पर विश्वास नहीं करते?
लोग बदलते हैं, प्यार उन्हें बदल देता है |
तुम्हे डर है कि वो तुमसे नफरत करते हैं, शायद उन्हें भी यही डर हो?
क्यों हम अपनों से इतना डरते हैं?
ये ज़िन्दगी नफरत के लिए बहुत छोटी है |
ज़िन्दगी निकलती जाती है, और हम सब प्यार के बिना जीना सीख लेते हैं |
क्यों प्यार को मौका नहीं देते, क्यों अपनों पर विश्वास नहीं करते?
लोग बदलते हैं, प्यार उन्हें बदल देता है |
तुम्हे डर है कि वो तुमसे नफरत करते हैं, शायद उन्हें भी यही डर हो?
क्यों हम अपनों से इतना डरते हैं?
ये ज़िन्दगी नफरत के लिए बहुत छोटी है |
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Unanswered questions of the world
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Do bald people get dandruff?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Do bald people get dandruff?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
MLID
Today, I realized that we are saving this world from global warming - we rarely turn on air conditioning or heat; we use lota instead of flushing down a bucket full of water; instead of throwing away empty plastic containers, we use them to put other food in; we use less fuel because we're hardly allowed to go anywhere (i mean, we are always studying). GO DESIS!! MLID.
Today, since it's Sunday, I figured it would be a nice relaxing day. But no, at 6 in the afternoon my mom finds out that her sister's neighbor's daughter is getting married. The wedding begins at 7 and it is now 7:30. I'm sitting in my khamiz waiting for my parents to get ready. -sigh- MLID.
Today, my uncle saw me in my basketball shorts and gasped. He hurried me inside the house and told me to wear some fullpants on my chaddi. MLID
Today, I was getting ready to go to the movies with friends. I was brushing when my dad walked into the bathroom and said I couldn't go anymore. He thought I wanted fresh breath to make out with some guy. FML. MLID
Today, we bought a new store. I was the first one to enter and as soon as i first stepped into the store my mom slapped me across the head. Puzzled by her violence, i looked at her. "Vat" she said "You stepped in with your left foot you idiot. now you'll bring us bad luck" MLID
Today, my dad came back from India. Earlier in the week, my mom had asked her sister to send us a jar of Nivea face cream from India because it's apparently cheaper there. We found four tubes of Fair and Lovely when we opened the suitcase. MLID.
Today, my mom was applying Vicks VapoRub to my brother's chest and back. We've had the jar for quite some time, so I picked it up to read the label. It had expired in 1998. MLID
Today, my little brother asked my mom what love was. My mom replied, "its a mental disorder in the brain, don't fall in love". MLID
Today, as my two younger cousins were leaving they bent down and touched my grandma's feet for ashirwad, she wished for both of them to get wonderful wives. They're 10 and 1...MLID
All my old clothes are potential "pochas" for my mom. MLID.
Today, I saw that my cousins profile picture was actually of him and not of a random bollywood star. I've never been so proud. MLID
Today I finally realized that all those stories about 15/16 year olds getting rishta proposals at desi gatherings, are actually NOT fake. I got 4 in 2 days while I was at a jilsah (religious gathering) in VA. One of them is a 25 year old doctor, and my mom actually considered the proposal. She's asked the guy's mom if the are willing to wait a few years until I finish highschool. I'm terrified. MLID
I have just realized that whenever Desi parents receive a call, they stare at the caller ID for far, far longer than anyone else would, and then pick it up. MLID
Today, my mom bought salt and pepper shakers because they were cheap, 87 cents each. When we got home, she then proceeded to tell me to fill one shaker up with salt, and the other...with chaat masala...MLID
Today, the answer to final "Jeopardy" was 'Kama Sutra'. My dad blurted out the answer, then seemed unsure as to whether he should feel proud that the answer was Indian, or whether he should be ashamed it's considered "erotic literature". MLID
Today, I brought with me an Indian sweet to eat during break. One of my gori classmates started panicking before i put it into my mouth because she thought i didn't fully remove the aluminum foil. MLID.
Today, we had to turn around and go home on a family road trip because my Mother sneezed and that is apparently bad luck. MLID.
Today, my mom slapped me because I was standing in the way of Dance India Dance. MLID
Today, I was forced to go to group counseling by my parents. We had to introduce ourselves, and say why we were there. It turned out everyone else was in there for hardcore drugs, running away from home, and one guy for stabbing someone. I went last, and had to stand up to say I was there because I got my first C in school. MLID
Today, since it's Sunday, I figured it would be a nice relaxing day. But no, at 6 in the afternoon my mom finds out that her sister's neighbor's daughter is getting married. The wedding begins at 7 and it is now 7:30. I'm sitting in my khamiz waiting for my parents to get ready. -sigh- MLID.
Today, my uncle saw me in my basketball shorts and gasped. He hurried me inside the house and told me to wear some fullpants on my chaddi. MLID
Today, I was getting ready to go to the movies with friends. I was brushing when my dad walked into the bathroom and said I couldn't go anymore. He thought I wanted fresh breath to make out with some guy. FML. MLID
Today, we bought a new store. I was the first one to enter and as soon as i first stepped into the store my mom slapped me across the head. Puzzled by her violence, i looked at her. "Vat" she said "You stepped in with your left foot you idiot. now you'll bring us bad luck" MLID
Today, my dad came back from India. Earlier in the week, my mom had asked her sister to send us a jar of Nivea face cream from India because it's apparently cheaper there. We found four tubes of Fair and Lovely when we opened the suitcase. MLID.
Today, my mom was applying Vicks VapoRub to my brother's chest and back. We've had the jar for quite some time, so I picked it up to read the label. It had expired in 1998. MLID
Today, my little brother asked my mom what love was. My mom replied, "its a mental disorder in the brain, don't fall in love". MLID
Today, as my two younger cousins were leaving they bent down and touched my grandma's feet for ashirwad, she wished for both of them to get wonderful wives. They're 10 and 1...MLID
All my old clothes are potential "pochas" for my mom. MLID.
Today, I saw that my cousins profile picture was actually of him and not of a random bollywood star. I've never been so proud. MLID
Today I finally realized that all those stories about 15/16 year olds getting rishta proposals at desi gatherings, are actually NOT fake. I got 4 in 2 days while I was at a jilsah (religious gathering) in VA. One of them is a 25 year old doctor, and my mom actually considered the proposal. She's asked the guy's mom if the are willing to wait a few years until I finish highschool. I'm terrified. MLID
I have just realized that whenever Desi parents receive a call, they stare at the caller ID for far, far longer than anyone else would, and then pick it up. MLID
Today, my mom bought salt and pepper shakers because they were cheap, 87 cents each. When we got home, she then proceeded to tell me to fill one shaker up with salt, and the other...with chaat masala...MLID
Today, the answer to final "Jeopardy" was 'Kama Sutra'. My dad blurted out the answer, then seemed unsure as to whether he should feel proud that the answer was Indian, or whether he should be ashamed it's considered "erotic literature". MLID
Today, I brought with me an Indian sweet to eat during break. One of my gori classmates started panicking before i put it into my mouth because she thought i didn't fully remove the aluminum foil. MLID.
Today, we had to turn around and go home on a family road trip because my Mother sneezed and that is apparently bad luck. MLID.
Today, my mom slapped me because I was standing in the way of Dance India Dance. MLID
Today, I was forced to go to group counseling by my parents. We had to introduce ourselves, and say why we were there. It turned out everyone else was in there for hardcore drugs, running away from home, and one guy for stabbing someone. I went last, and had to stand up to say I was there because I got my first C in school. MLID
Leisure
By William Henry Davies
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
God, grant us the
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Snapple Retired Facts
This is a long "selected" list. If you don't like, skip on to the next post.
#1 A Goldfish’s attention span is three seconds.
#2 Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons.
#10 Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas.
#11 Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp.
#15 All porcupines float in water.
#16 The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
#25 The only food that does not spoil is honey.
#27 A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber.
#28 Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.
#29 On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
#34 If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white.
#38 Fish cough.
#40 It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down.
#42 Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open.
#46 Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump.
#48 Cats can hear ultrasound.
#53 The average women consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
#58 A sneeze travels out of your nose at 100 mph.
#66 Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza a day.
#69 No word in the English language rhymes with month.
#73 The average person spends two weeks of its life waiting for a traffic light to change.
#78 Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the U.S.
#79 There are 119 grooves on the edge of a quarter.
#80 About 18 percent of animal owners share their bed with their pet.
#84 Oysters can change genders back and forth.
#85 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
#87 A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
#92 Fish can drown.
#94 Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.
#98 When the moon is directly over you, you weigh less.
#99 You burn 20 calories an hour chewing gum.
#100 In a year, the average person walks four miles making their bed.
#101 About half of all Americans are on a diet at any given time.
#103 Frowning burns more calories then smiling.
#112 At birth, a Dalmatian is always pure white.
#117 The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.
#122 A duck can’t walk without bobbing its head.
#124 Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.
#125 Pigeons have been trained by the U.S. Coast Guard to spot people lost at sea.
#129 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
#130 Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
#131 Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water.
#135 A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans per year.
#140 Holland is the only country with a national dog.
#141 The square dance is the official dance of the state of Washington.
#144 Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.
#147 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.
#153 The speed limit in NYC was eight mph in 1895.
#160 One alternative title that had been considered for NBC’s hit “Friends” was “Insomnia Café.”
#163 The first penny had the motto “Mind your own business.”
#168 One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns.
#169 The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.
#172 The eye makes movements 50 times every second.
#174 The world’s biggest pyramid is not in Egypt, but in Mexico.
#175 In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.
#178 The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00.
#179 The first lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty in 1886.
#193 The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won’t happen again until 6009.
#194 You don’t have to be a lawyer to be a Supreme Court Justice.
#196 If you doubled one penny every day for 30 days, you would have $5,368,709.
#214 Giraffes can lick their own eyes.
#232 The blue whale’s heart is the size of a small car.
#233 There are seven letters that look the same upside down as right side up.
#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet
#262 The act of chewing an apple is a more efficient way to stay awake than caffeine.
#270 Colors like red, yellow and orange make you hungry.
#272 At birth a human has 350 bones, but only 206 bones when full grown.
#294 No only child has been a U.S. President.
#300 Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.
#302 Ketchup was once sold as a medicine.
#312 A flea can jump 30,000 times without stopping.
#315 No two lip impressions are the same.
#326 On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.
#336 The last letter to be added to our alphabet was J.
#351 Cold water weighs less than hot water.
#354 Bamboo can grow three feet in one day.
#358 Butterflies were formerly known by the name Flutterby.
#359 A teaspoon contains 120 drops of water.
#360 Mexican jumping beans jump to get out of sunlight.
#363 Pearls dissolve in vinegar.
#366 The center of some golf balls contain honey.
#408 Panda bears eat up to 16 hours a day.
#409 Approximately 16,500 people in the U.S. go by the last name Lemon.
#411 Lifejackets used to be filled with sunflower seeds for flotation.
#422 Apples, peaches and raspberries are all members of the rose family.
#423 U.S. paper currency isn’t made of paper - it’s actually a blend of cotton and linen.
#424 The “ZIP” in the ZIP code stands for Zone Improvement Plan.
#430 One acre of peanuts will make 30,000 peanut butter sandwiches.
#431 A twit is the technical term for a pregnant goldfish.
#436 Beavers have orange teeth.
#437 The woodpecker can hammer wood up to 16 times per second.
#438 Mount Everest rises a few millimeters every year.
#439 Snails can sleep for up to three years.
#440 The pupils in goats’ eyes are rectangular.
#442 Bees’ wings beat 11,400 times per minute.
#444 The Statue of Liberty wears a size 879 sandal.
#454 Polar bear fur is transparent, not white.
#463 The dot over the letter “I” is called a tittle.
#469 454 U.S. dollar bills weigh exactly one pound.
#473 Antarctica has as much ice as the Atlantic Ocean has water.
#474 To temporarily revive your ballpoint pen, dip the tip into hot water for a few seconds.
#478 Candles will burn longer and drip less if they are placed in the freezer a few hours before using.
#479 Knots come out easier if you sprinkle talcum powder on them.
#486 While chopping onions, hold a piece of bread between your lips to keep your eyes from watering.
#487 Place an apple in the bag with your potatoes to keep them from budding.
#488 Place a slice of bread in the storage container to keep cookies soft when storing.
#489 To keep an ice cream cone from dripping, stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of the cone.
#490 To take lumps out of a bag of sugar, place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours.
#492 To remove crayon marks from walls, use a hairdryer to heat the wax.
#497 To fix a button about to fall off, dab a little clear nail polish over the threads holding it on.
#654 New York taxi drivers collectively speak 60 languages
#664 It is against the law to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.
Wow you actually made it all the way thru! (or did you cheat and start at the bottom?)
#1 A Goldfish’s attention span is three seconds.
#2 Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons.
#10 Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas.
#11 Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp.
#15 All porcupines float in water.
#16 The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
#25 The only food that does not spoil is honey.
#27 A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber.
#28 Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.
#29 On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
#34 If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white.
#38 Fish cough.
#40 It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down.
#42 Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open.
#46 Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump.
#48 Cats can hear ultrasound.
#53 The average women consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
#58 A sneeze travels out of your nose at 100 mph.
#66 Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza a day.
#69 No word in the English language rhymes with month.
#73 The average person spends two weeks of its life waiting for a traffic light to change.
#78 Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the U.S.
#79 There are 119 grooves on the edge of a quarter.
#80 About 18 percent of animal owners share their bed with their pet.
#84 Oysters can change genders back and forth.
#85 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
#87 A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.
#92 Fish can drown.
#94 Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.
#98 When the moon is directly over you, you weigh less.
#99 You burn 20 calories an hour chewing gum.
#100 In a year, the average person walks four miles making their bed.
#101 About half of all Americans are on a diet at any given time.
#103 Frowning burns more calories then smiling.
#112 At birth, a Dalmatian is always pure white.
#117 The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.
#122 A duck can’t walk without bobbing its head.
#124 Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.
#125 Pigeons have been trained by the U.S. Coast Guard to spot people lost at sea.
#129 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
#130 Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
#131 Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water.
#135 A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans per year.
#140 Holland is the only country with a national dog.
#141 The square dance is the official dance of the state of Washington.
#144 Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.
#147 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.
#153 The speed limit in NYC was eight mph in 1895.
#160 One alternative title that had been considered for NBC’s hit “Friends” was “Insomnia Café.”
#163 The first penny had the motto “Mind your own business.”
#168 One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns.
#169 The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.
#172 The eye makes movements 50 times every second.
#174 The world’s biggest pyramid is not in Egypt, but in Mexico.
#175 In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.
#178 The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00.
#179 The first lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty in 1886.
#193 The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won’t happen again until 6009.
#194 You don’t have to be a lawyer to be a Supreme Court Justice.
#196 If you doubled one penny every day for 30 days, you would have $5,368,709.
#214 Giraffes can lick their own eyes.
#232 The blue whale’s heart is the size of a small car.
#233 There are seven letters that look the same upside down as right side up.
#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet
#262 The act of chewing an apple is a more efficient way to stay awake than caffeine.
#270 Colors like red, yellow and orange make you hungry.
#272 At birth a human has 350 bones, but only 206 bones when full grown.
#294 No only child has been a U.S. President.
#300 Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.
#302 Ketchup was once sold as a medicine.
#312 A flea can jump 30,000 times without stopping.
#315 No two lip impressions are the same.
#326 On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.
#336 The last letter to be added to our alphabet was J.
#351 Cold water weighs less than hot water.
#354 Bamboo can grow three feet in one day.
#358 Butterflies were formerly known by the name Flutterby.
#359 A teaspoon contains 120 drops of water.
#360 Mexican jumping beans jump to get out of sunlight.
#363 Pearls dissolve in vinegar.
#366 The center of some golf balls contain honey.
#408 Panda bears eat up to 16 hours a day.
#409 Approximately 16,500 people in the U.S. go by the last name Lemon.
#411 Lifejackets used to be filled with sunflower seeds for flotation.
#422 Apples, peaches and raspberries are all members of the rose family.
#423 U.S. paper currency isn’t made of paper - it’s actually a blend of cotton and linen.
#424 The “ZIP” in the ZIP code stands for Zone Improvement Plan.
#430 One acre of peanuts will make 30,000 peanut butter sandwiches.
#431 A twit is the technical term for a pregnant goldfish.
#436 Beavers have orange teeth.
#437 The woodpecker can hammer wood up to 16 times per second.
#438 Mount Everest rises a few millimeters every year.
#439 Snails can sleep for up to three years.
#440 The pupils in goats’ eyes are rectangular.
#442 Bees’ wings beat 11,400 times per minute.
#444 The Statue of Liberty wears a size 879 sandal.
#454 Polar bear fur is transparent, not white.
#463 The dot over the letter “I” is called a tittle.
#469 454 U.S. dollar bills weigh exactly one pound.
#473 Antarctica has as much ice as the Atlantic Ocean has water.
#474 To temporarily revive your ballpoint pen, dip the tip into hot water for a few seconds.
#478 Candles will burn longer and drip less if they are placed in the freezer a few hours before using.
#479 Knots come out easier if you sprinkle talcum powder on them.
#486 While chopping onions, hold a piece of bread between your lips to keep your eyes from watering.
#487 Place an apple in the bag with your potatoes to keep them from budding.
#488 Place a slice of bread in the storage container to keep cookies soft when storing.
#489 To keep an ice cream cone from dripping, stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of the cone.
#490 To take lumps out of a bag of sugar, place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours.
#492 To remove crayon marks from walls, use a hairdryer to heat the wax.
#497 To fix a button about to fall off, dab a little clear nail polish over the threads holding it on.
#654 New York taxi drivers collectively speak 60 languages
#664 It is against the law to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.
Wow you actually made it all the way thru! (or did you cheat and start at the bottom?)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Marilyn Monroe
I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else.
If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere.
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.
Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.
The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up.
The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents.
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
I learned to walk as a baby and I haven't had a lesson since.
Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.
If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere.
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.
Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.
The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up.
The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents.
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
I learned to walk as a baby and I haven't had a lesson since.
Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.
The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still.
Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning. ~ Bill Gates
Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
If God hadn't rested on Sunday, He would have had time to finish the world.
Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.
The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still.
Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning. ~ Bill Gates
Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
If God hadn't rested on Sunday, He would have had time to finish the world.
The answering machine
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!
Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.
Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."
Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP.
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.
Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."
Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP.
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Are marbles made of marble?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
If you're sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Are marbles made of marble?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
If you're sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
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