Francis: Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?
Francis: Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Dewey: [eating carrot sticks] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.
Malcolm: It's weird — I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling at my mouth. Oh! I think I'm happy!
Reese: You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
Francis: Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.
Reese: I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.
Lois: So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.
Reese: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name?
Dewey: Ragina Tucker.
Reese: Hmm, we'll think of something.
Lois: Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.
Hal: You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.
Hal: If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
Malcolm: I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet... you keep... talking.
Reese: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.
Dewey: He's my evil twin?
Reese: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey: But, I don't want to be an evil twin.
Reese: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What is it you said you're doing here?
Hal: We're watching the cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.
Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.
Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?
Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.
Hal: Reese, surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and twenty gallons of explosive fuel? It's like giving a shark a submachine gun!
Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Dewey: NO!
Lois: Excuse me?
Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it. Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom]
Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!
Walkie-talkie: Hey, are those two kids still stuck in the tiger pit?
[Panic washes over the crowd]
Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission the zoo down the street!
Hal: Malcolm and Reese?
Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.
[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]
Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!
Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.
Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Amazing race, how sweet the taste
That saved a wrench for me.
I once was in the lost and found,
Was blind, but found my keys.
Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?
[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...
Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.
Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community needs a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
Hal: One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.
Dewey's thoughts: Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.
Hal: Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?
Francis: We might consider trying to reach a compromise.
Otto: Do I look French to you?
Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?
Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.
Francis: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.
Reese: Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed.
Dewey: Is one of the normal kids fat?
Reese: It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
Reese: If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.
Reese: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.
Hal: Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Reese: Dewey, do you trust me?
Dewey: No.
Reese: Do you fear me?
Dewey: No.
[pause]
Dewey: Not in the long run.
Reese: Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.
Craig Feldspar: Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Reese: Guys! I just made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I'm gonna name it... blellow!
[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.
Hal: [Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Lois: [background] Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: [background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: [background] OH MY GOD!
Hal: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!
Lois: [pinches a girl's nostrils shut to get her to let go of Reese] Now, honey, if you want to breathe again, you are going to have to let go of Reese.
Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a powerful stink bomb. [looks at his hands] These hands look wrong enough.
News Presenter: [in Dewey's imagination] Boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who's boring? Me. Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring - why haven't you changed the channel yet?
Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.
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