New Year Resolutions

Despite the fact that I think New Year resolutions are lame, and also the fact that I am convinced I will never stick to them, these are my first ever resolutions. For 2011:

1. Be more positive.

I tend to always imagine the worst possible outcome. While this is usually helpful in case of failure, and leads to a pleasant surprise in case of a positive outcome. But I don't think at the end of the day it is worth making myself miserable for too long. And I also doubt it leads to a positive outcome.

2. Be less whiny.

I tend to whine a lot. About how much work I have, about how much life sucks, how boring it is, how hard it is, etc. And I have discovered that the people who whine less always do more. So, less whining.

3. Be nicer.

This I believe shall be hard. But recently I've been told that I am not as evil as I think I am. So I shall try to get in touch with the nicer side of me. Some deep soul searching needed for that I'm sure.

4. Be more outgoing.

Last semester, last chance to have mindless fun, last time when you are still classified as kids and can get away with stupidity. Once you start working, it's all downhill from there. (I realize this contradicts point 1 right here, so I shall rephrase). There are lesser opportunities to follow your whims and fancies with a 830-6 job.

5. Be that person. Who has a job.

For this, I need to have good grades, be hardworking like I was in Year 2 Sem 1. So less slacking, more working.

6. Be more trusting.

And have faith that it will be alright in the end. That if I get what I want, I will be good at it. That if I don't get what I am hoping for right now, it will still be ok in the long run, and that the universe has a better plan for me.

Do you remember..

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life.

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The memories are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life.

Sometimes I feel I was born to be a cook

So today I decided to try making gajar ka halwa. Series of events, starting with my falling sick a few weeks back, led to this. Well, when I fell sick, I bought milk (as milk and bread is the only thing I willingly eat then). So then a few weeks later, I realized I still had almost the entire carton of milk left. So I decided to make khoya out of it. So then the khoya tasted not so nice as it was the carton milk one and very fake (despite the claim that it was made from real Australian cows). So then today I went to Nanyang and saw carrots there, aur mera maatha thanka aur maine kaha, bas ab toh ho jaaye :P

So I called mum up to get instructions, and the rest of the story shall be told in pictures.

This is grated carrots. I obviously grated part of my thumb in the process too.

Then I boiled the grated carrots in the microwave. Then to get the water out of them, I put it in cloth and nichodo-fied.

This is what the gajar looks like after it has been nichodo-fied.

Then bhoono-fy it in desi ghee in the saucepan.

Then put milk in, and cook it for about an hour, so that most of the water evaporates.

And this is what it becomes.

Garnish it with some clover and cardamom. And lo and behold, we have something awesome to eat! :D

Work is fun

Ok so I am going to rant now. Since people tend to get sick of my ranting, so time to make use of blog again.

Most of it is about my awesome (read awful) job, and I am wondering if I should be tactful here in case my boss reads it, or should just let all boundaries down. Hmm let's see how this goes.

So the only good thing about my job is that I don't hate it in its entirety. What I hate is that there is just too much to do. And too few people to do it, since this is a start-up. And since my job description does not exist, so everything that they can think up of is dumped on me (Yep tact's being flung out the window right this minute).

So keeping in touch with speakers, getting them to send me their presentations is in itself a rocky mountain to hike up. considering they are all CEOs and GMs and high-up-there people from high-up-there companies like GM, Volkswagen, Mahindra, etc. Then once I get it, I need to pester boss to take a look at them, which in itself takes a few weeks. But once that is done, I am expected to send the feedback out within seconds. As I have been reminded many times, as I struggle to look up at my boss from under the gigantic workload pressing down on my back, speakers are a priority. Then after giving them feedback, I need to chase them if they don't reply. Only 1 out of 10 replies. So this means another round of calls. Plus I need to remind them to put information about the conference on their websites, get their guests, register for the event, send visa letter, etc etc etc. Btw lots of speakers have cancelled, because, well, they are busy people. Everytime this happens, I am given the "I am disappointed" speech. Like it's my fault he had back surgery and his doctor hasn't cleared him for travel.

Then there are associations and media, which I haven't had the time to touch since after I got their logos. But then suddenly, my boss will ask me, so what is the media list attending the event, and me, being incapable of lying convincingly, will gape at him like a goldfish. Then I shall be reminded, it is very important to know these things. Right. I'll get right on it, after I finish the other 100 things on my priority list. Yes, I really hope my boss never comes across this post. Is there a way to limit readership?

Then of course there is social media. LinkedIn is to my boss as the unicorn toy was to the little girl in Despicable Me, a shiny light in the darkness, a wondrous invention of the Free World. And so I was forced to make a profile, micro-managed to an excruciating degree to get it exactly the way he wanted it. And now, I am expected to find articles and post there everyday. And for every post I will be told, oh it's okay, just post, don't need to ask me. Then once I do post, no-no change the heading, change the text. We had social media training as well, whose first session went on till 9 plus. And it was only after violent objections that the next few ones end at 7. From these trainings we learnt how to soft-sell, so entire days used to be spent deciding on the most appropriate text which does not sound too sales-y. Then once we have discussions going, I must add everyone who has commented on it. Then once they are connected, I should invite them to our LinkedIn group. Bleh.

And oh-oh-oh we have a new blog too. So looking after websites and blogs becomes my job too. So in 40 minutes every morning, find news, post 1 on blog, 1 on conference website, then post on LinkedIn. Oh and change the home page every week.

And there are lots of competition conferences coming up. Any everytime they post on LinkedIn, or use the same speakers as us, all hell breaks loose.

Then of course, I am supposedly good at writing. So yay, write articles as well. About something I know nothing about. So go read up a 100 other articles so at least I know what the hell EVs are and what batteries are used and how recharging can be done, etc etc etc. And now it will be excellent if I could write articles on the LinkedIn discussions we have going. I should also interview speakers and write articles on that.

This is all obviously in addition to the at least 20 emails a day which should be followed up on, preferably asap. And now I have been told I need to do the agenda (I just finished it). I do not understand why, considering doing the brochure was supposed to be someone else's task. Plus, there is the bible which will be given to all delegates, and I need to do that as well.

And when I ask my bosses questions, I am 'disturbing' them. Since they are so busy, doing God only knows what. But they are allowed to pester me whenever they so choose.

A newsletter must go out every 2 weeks, through the most horrible software mankind came up with, Constant Contact. It is so buggy it amazes me people pay for it. Links you put up magically disappear, it is up to the software's mercy if and when it will allow you to change font, the colors of the block headings can only be changed globally. Then every block will have a different shade of the same color, with nothing you can do about it. This is of course supposed to be approved by my micro-managing 'perfectionist' (in his own words) boss, who at 6pm and after 4 newsletters have been previously send out, decides that the color theme is not good. So it should changed. So I must stay back and do it.

By the way, work is 1.5 hours away. So 3 hours of travelling everyday.

So that was work. The rest of my life sucks too.
I am currently in the middle of shifting. Half the stuff in one room, half in another. I have 2 tuitions, 1 wants me to come twice during weekend (since I can't make it on weekdays), and the other is again 1.5 hours away (and on a voluntary basis too btw).

I will be working till the end of August, which means I will have to work around my timetable. Everyday that I take "off" to attend classes will offend my bosses since I am not around being a mule for them.

I do not have time to meet the professors whom I need to request to be my mentor for USP Advanced Modules. My FYP results are still not out. I have another job at Science Dean's office during the semester which I had applied for before I got this one. I have two 8-10 am lectures, two 7-10 pm lectures. 2 compulsory lectures where I'm allowed to skip only 1 class in the whole semester, which I don't know how I am going to manage since I'm going to be in Beijing for a week at least.

Life is so awesome. Did I mention I'm being paid peanuts?

p.s. Happy Birthday sista!

p.p.s. Some of the articles I have written:

http://www.ev-li-ionbatteryforum.com/afghanistan-lithium-reserves-–-how-will-they-impact-the-cost-of-the-li-ion-batteries/
http://www.evbatterynews.com/re-branding-the-electric-cars/
http://www.ev-li-ionbatteryforum.com/mining-firms-and-car-manufacturers-whats-the-deal/
http://www.ev-li-ionbatteryforum.com/what-is-the-best-way-to-recharge-buses/

p.p.p.s My bosses decided to give me a bonus yesterday for 'working so hard'. So now I feel a little guilty about writing this post. I shall re-double my prayers that they never chance upon my blog.

Zindagi ek rail ki patri hai. Ek inch ka bend, aur meelon ki doori.

Remember the dialogue from Jab We Met? Apart from being hilariously funny (especially what follows this), it speaks a wholesome truth.

Yesterday in the bus, on my way back from work, I was sitting and thinking.

Of the last 3 distinct moments of happiness that I remember vividly are getting selected for JC in Singapore, Lafayette College for undergrad and more recently, for SEP in Canada. And how each of these decisions has changed my life.

If I hadn't decided to come to Singapore, I would right now have graduated from some uni in India and would either be doing Masters or a job. Assuming of course that I got admitted to a good college (read IIT), else I would right now be fondly remembered by friends and family as the loving daughter with such a bright future (LOL!), who fell trap to the fallacies of the Indian education system and the horrible competition and jumped off the school building.

If I had decided to accept the Lafayette offer, I would be in the US, living a very different social life (or so I like to believe). What is and isn't acceptable to me would be of a different standard, and I would not be missing the snow right now (yes I'm aware it's Spring right now).

In the long term, Canada may become but a small part of my life, but right now it seems equally significant to me.

It's amazing isn't it. How every small or big decision in your life changes the course that it takes. You may not even realize it at the time, but years later, you will look back at it and wonder. What if..

The 5 stages of the week leading up to exams

Denial: that you have exams and should study;
Anger: why the f#$@ should I study this meaningless crap;
Bargaining: Ok I will watch only 2 episodes of this show and then study;
Depression: Shit there is sooo much left to do, why didn't I study before!;
Acceptance: You are doomed no matter what.

Story of a girl

She was getting married today. All her childhood dreams finally seemed to be coming true. Prince Charming. An elaborate wedding. An exquisite gown.

She needed this. She'd had a hard life. She'd couldn't even remember her father, he'd left them when she was still a toddler. Her mother had been all she'd had, and then she too had passed away a few years ago. She had felt so lost then, so anchorless, until her fiance had introduced her to his mother. In her she had found a new mother, a new hope, a new sense of direction. With this wonderful new family, she could imagine spending the rest of her life with.

She had singlehandedly built a career for herself. To someone on the outside, she had it all. Money, career, fame, love, stability. It was only those closest to her who knew of her pain, her struggles, her losses. But today she was ready to let go of that baggage. Today she would let herself be free, be happy.

She heard a knock on the door, and Tony came in. He looked solemn. Concerned, she asked him what was wrong.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, this could not be happening. This could NOT be happening. She could see her entire world come crashing down around her. She had to leave, had to get away. She packed a small bag and left. No goodbyes, no explanations. She did not have the strength for that anymore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been almost a month since she had been left almost at the altar. The pain still cut through her like an icy knife. She had seen an entire life with this man and his family, and he had ended it, just like that, with a few words.

She was trying to drown her sorrows. She had been living in a daze, a kind of stupor. Too much pain, too much alcohol, too many men. She had not stayed in the same place for more than a night. Just got on to a bus or a train whenever she could. It was like she was trying to run away from her sorrows, but no matter how hard or fast or far she ran, they somehow always managed to catch up with her. A Euro tour had been her lifelong dream, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined enjoying it so little. One city merged into another, museums to beaches to sunrises to sunsets to yet another sunrise. Sometimes she had just did not had the strength to get up from the hotel bed all day. Sometimes she would go for long runs along beaches, hoping that the beauty would soothe her, or that by tiring her body enough, her mind would stop thinking. Nothing had worked. Days blurred. As did nights.

In the last month, she had called one person close to her every week to let them know she was still alive so they wouldn't worry themselves sick. But she did not want to be found, so she never told them where she was, just that she was travelling. Today she would call the woman whom she knew would be able to tell her what to do. She had wanted to call her much earlier, but she knew being the mother of her fiancé, wait ex-fiancé, it would be hard for her to be objective. She went into the phone booth, put in a few coins, and dialled the number that was etched into her memory.

"Hello?" Just hearing that voice calmed her down in a way nothing else had so far.

"Hi, Ma, it's me".

"Oh my God, I'm so glad you called. I've been so worried. Honey, how are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm trying to cope, the best way I can. I knew you would be worried, I'm sorry for not calling earlier. But I just didn't know what I would say to you. I just don't know, what to do, what to say anymore." She was tearing up. All the pain, the anguish that she had tried to keep suppressed, it was rearing its ugly head again.

"Oh, it's alright honey. Just tell me where you are, I'll come get you."

"It's ok Ma, I'm fine. At least I will be. If only I understood why, where I went wrong, maybe I would be able to accept it. I thought I knew him, knew how he felt. I'm sure the signs must have been there, maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. I was too selfish, too busy being happy to realize he wasn't."

"No luv, you can't blame yourself for this. You deserved happiness. And I thought that you two would make a great couple. And if there were signs that he wasn't happy, I should have seen them too. I'm his mother after all. But then again, he's always been such a reserved boy. The only person I ever saw him open up to you was you. But maybe some things just aren't meant to be."

"Mom, who is it?"
"Oh, Tony, umm.."
"It's her, isn't it?"
"Err.. yeah."
"Can I talk to her?"
"I don't think she wants to.."

"No, it's ok Ma, put him on the line. I think it's time."

"Hi Cassandra."

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had been trying to forget the sound of his voice and how it made him feel for the past one month. Yet longing for him, his words, his touch, every moment, every day. And here he was, on the other side of the phone. He must have been on his way out to work. She could just imagine him in his crisp white shirt and black pants and blue jacket, his hair combed back, his shoes shiny. He always had been very particular about looking presentable. She could remember the last time.. No, no, she musn't get carried away in the memories. She had to remind herself of the reality.

She realized she had been unconsciously holding her breath. She sighed, and said "hi".

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days, about why.. how we ended up here. I know I owe you a better explanation than just the few words I said that day. I just.. feel so.. guilty. For breaking your heart, for ending this. I know you were part of my Mom's future dreams too. But I just realized, on that day, that I was going through with the wedding more because it was expected of me, than because I wanted to. And it wouldn't be fair to you, to marry someone who did not love you as much as you deserve to be."

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"I couldn't bring myself to. You seemed so happy. You've been through so much. We've been through so much together. It just seemed wrong to throw it away just because I was feeling unsure. But when I woke up that morning, I just knew. You know in all these years that we've been together, I've been happier than I could ever have imagined, in my wildest dreams. But I think somewhere along the way, we both grew apart. We shared a life, but we never really shared our lives, specially not after the first year together. I'm sorry, I just don't think I love you anymore. I think the best thing for us would be to make a clean break."

"A clean break? Are you serious? After 7 years, after being engaged to you, after all those promises and plans and dreams, you want a clean break? We might not have lived together for all those 7 years, but I have always been there for you. When your career was floundering, when you almost had that affair, even that eccentric abstinence phase, I stayed, and I fought for us. So that one day it would all mean something. And now, when it is your turn, you are just too cowardly to go through with it? Don't shroud it with nice words, don't thank me. You've always known what to say, haven't you? I can't believe I actually used to like that about you. You want a clean break, you can have it. You will never hear from me again. It will be like I never existed."

"Cassandra, I..."

"Goodbye!" He heard a click, and the phone went dead.

It was all she could do to hold on the metal bar in the phone booth to keep herself from crumpling into a heap right there. The cold heartedness of the man to whom she had dedicated it all nearly choked and suffocated her. How could she have been so naive, so blind?

She took a few minutes to compose herself. Then she got up, and walked out of the booth with her head held high. She would remember this day for as long as she lived, but she would never look back. She swore to herself she would never be this vulnerable again. The baby in her womb would be the only reminder in her life of the man she had once loved, and for its sake she would be strong.

Xchange Yorkself

I think the main reason we miss things so much when they are gone is because we sub-consciously choose to remember only the good parts.

I miss Canada whenever I see other people's photos, because I remember how much fun it was playing in the snow, not how cold and depressing it was.
I remember how much fun travelling was, not how annoying the planning was or how tiring it was.
I remember how beautiful it was, not how expensive.
I remember how awesome it was to get to know more people, not how lonely I was at times.
I remember the awesome parties, not how strange the cultural difference was.

Now, if given the choice to spend another sem in Canada, I would readily agree. But I remember when I was there I was glad I wouldn't be there for the winter sem.

I miss bagels, and soup, and Tim Hortons, and the huge slices of pizzas. But I am glad for how cheap Singapore now feels. I am glad that I can come back home at 2 in the night, and feel perfectly safe. I am glad I don't have to wear 5 layers of clothes before I leave my room. I am glad to be able to wear skirts and shorts and spaghettis again. I am glad for feeling like I belong again.

But all said and done, I do miss Canada. A lot. Always will. It gave me something that Singapore has never been able to. It is just way too beautiful. Every city is a natural attraction, without even trying, unlike Sg.

It is a feeling that cannot be expressed in words. It is something that only those who go through it can relate to and understand. Because I know when I turn to someone who was there, and say "I MISS IT", they know exactly what I am talking about. It's been more than 2 months since I left all that behind. Yet, even now, I can just close my eyes and be back there. Because to the rest, it was just 4 months. To me, it was another life.

I need a little perspective

They say our days are the happiest when they pass the fastest. By that definition, my university days have probably been the happiest ones I've ever had. Feels like in the blink of an eye 3 years have gone past. The only thing that makes you realize it's a different semester is bidding time and the end of the 2 reading weeks. 1 more year and it will be time to work, out in the real world with real problems, no cocoon of a hostel or classes.

And yet, if I think about it, JC seems so long ago. I have seen many generations of juniors come and go through JC, and I realize that the ones who are now in JC2 will come to NUS only after I have graduated.

It's funny how our perceptions change with time. What matters to me today will seem stupid tomorrow. What stops my world from spinning today will seem trivial the day after.

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

Cuba Diaries 2: The Bad Part

Read the previous post first.

Ok so I went to Havana on 28th, which was a Monday, and the first day I could actually have done that. I was not aware that I needed to have an appointment, considering their website says nothing about it. So then I had to wait till almost 1230, till everyone else was done, to finally get to the counter. Now I had thought that I would be done by 11 latest, and then we would be able to tour Havana, come back at 3, get the visa, then go back to Varadero. But when it finally got to 1230, I was kind of losing hope of having too much time of touring Havana. And then received the shock of my life when the lady informed me that I had not brought the itinerary of Varadero-Toronto, only Toronto-India. I could not believe I had been that incredibly stupid! So then I could not remember if I had the Cuba part of the itinerary in my email, so I decided it would be best to tour Havana then and come back another day to apply for visa.

I did not end up going back, because of some misunderstandings with a lady I was supposed to go with. And I tried calling to get an appointment, but the whole call was automated messages with no way to reach operator, there was nothing on website, so I wasn't sure that even if I went on 31st, I would be able to get the visa. And when I was transiting in London, I was given a transit visa on the spot, so I assumed worst case scenario, that would happen.

So happily on 1st, when I go for check in, the stupid Skyservice staff refused to let me go. The immigration were fine with me leaving, since I had a flight on the next day. But the airlines, stupid stupid airlines, wouldn't let me go. And since it was 1st Jan, every embassy was closed. The next 2 days were weekend, so they would still be closed. And I was told the earliest I could get a visa was Monday, 4th Jan. And my flights back to Singapore (Toronto-Zurich-Delhi-Bangkok-Singapore) were starting on 2nd. They were non-refundable since I had gotten the cheapest tickets. So there was nothing I could do.

So I told my sis, panicked her badly, then got to Havana from Varadero, since there would obviously be more flights from there. Now I had very little cash, needed 25 for airport tax which you HAVE to pay before taking any flight from anywhere in Cuba, and my Mastercard, as I would discover later, could not be used to withdraw money. Cuba uses only Visa, Mastercard is not there in ATMs and only banks and some expensive hotels have it. And apparently the Havana airport had no internet till you checked in. So I was at the airport with very little cash, no internet access, no balance in phone, no way to get out of country, no hope. So I spent the night at the airport, with the plan to go and withdraw money from the bank next morning and then see how it went.

As I was to discover, even banks were closed for the weekend, so the taxi driver took me to Hotel Nacional, which had their own bank, where I was told my bank was denied from withdrawing money and I should contact my bank in Singapore since they were denying the operation. They don't even convert all currencies in Cuba, only US, UK, Canada and a few others. So I had Singapore and Indian but had already used up all Canadian. At this point, I had 10 peso. And the cab driver needed 25 to drive me here and 25 more to drive me back to the airport. He barely knew any English, but definitely needed his money. At this point he suggested I sell my phone to him for 50 peso and he would drive me back to the airport. I think this has probably been one of the lowest points of my life. I could obviously not sell my only way of contacting the world, so I was at a loss. But remember, I had saved 25 peso for the airport tax. So at this point I was told that Hotel Nacional had internet, and so obviously there was no point my going back to the airport and no point saving the 25 peso if I didn't even have a flight, so I gave the 25 peso to the driver and said tata-byebye-good-riddance.

And then went into the hotel, lugging my luggage. The internet was 2.50 peso per 15 minute. Ya it's a freaking expensive country, for no good reason, since nothing there works. So I logged into gtalk, told my sis, who at this point was very freaked out having not heard from me for over 12 hours, the whole story. She called the bank, I retried withdrawing many times, did not work. Told a lady there who knew some English my story. She was one of the most helpful people I have ever met. She called a bunch of people, got me free food since I hadn't eaten since the previous day and had no cash. At this point, I asked sis to try to get my phone card, on roaming from Canada, topped up. She asked a couple of friends in Canada to do it, and God bless them, they did. So she could at least call and message me now. Then I tried asking in the hotels around if I could pay by Mastercard. Since DuBiouS Bank maintained that there was nothing wrong with the card and I should be able to withdraw. It was only later that I was told that Debit Cards cannot be used to withdraw cash from banks for some divine reason, only ATM machines.

So as I went around asking, in one of the hotels even bigger than Nacional, called Habana Libre, while I was asking the receptionist if I could pay using Mastercard, she said "if US bank then yes", I said "how about Singapore?", and the Chinese lady next to me was like "Oh you're from Singapore too?" and I was like "OMG YES! Do you by any chance have local currency, I have Singapore one, can I change with you". And she was like, "never mind I can give you money now, then you can pay me back later, just remember that a Singaporean helped you when you needed help" And she gave me 100USD and her card and took my details. Now I could go and convert it and have some cash (80 peso)! God bless her!

I ended up staying at the hotel where I had been using internet as it accepted Mastercard and was cheaper than Habana Libra, relatively (120 a night, 145 for 1st Jan night :O ). So I now had a room, while sis was still searching for flights from Havana to Singapore directly as it made no sense to go to India anymore. She found one by the next day, transiting in Amsterdam, which most probably did not need a visa, but there was no way to confirm as it was still Sunday. So she bought it online (1220 euro, yes, gasp!) and sent me details. I would call the Dutch embassy the next da to ask about visa.

So now at least I had some cash and a flight, just needed visa. And I had 3 days to do it since the flight was for 6th evening. Since of course God wasn't done with the balancing act of the fun with the torture, the travel agency with whom we got the ticket decided that someone had been tampering with the card, so I had to send pics of passport and both sides of Mastercard to them for verification. I took pics with my dying camera, and send to them. Of course, had to black out the code at the back of the card. Oh and I had found that the hotel had wireless cards that I could put on my room so I did not have to pay cash. I ended up using 11 of them over the 4 days I spent there, freaking waste of money. Why can't they have free internet like normal places?

So when I called embassy in the morning, she told me she could confirm only at 1130, and if I could, I should go to the embassy by 1130 just in case, as getting a transit visa could take 2-3 days. I reached at 1115 as I had to get the itinerary printed and stuff, only to be told that the embassy closed at 11, by a guy who spoke no English. At this point I met someone whom I think was an angel. She was standing outside the embassy when I reached. Spoke a little bit of English. I asked her if there was a phone booth somewhere around, she pointed me to it. I realized it needed a calling card and I did not have one. As I was walking back dejected, prepared to reach the hotel and call again, I chanced upon her again. And explained in sign language that I did not have a card. She said she would let me use hers. And she keyed in the number of her card and gave the phone receiver to me. I asked her to wait so I could talk and then check how much balance I'd used and pay her, but she adamant in not letting me pay here at all, just that I would not use too much of her balance. God bless her, whoever she is! Please pay her back in some way for me! I feel bad that the call took quite long, you know how admin people can be, but the embassy female finally confirmed that I did not need a visa. I narrated the whole story of missed flights as well, so she confirmed with the Immigration Officer too.

So finally my troubles had come to an end. Except for the fact that I could barely sleep. And spent soo much money that I am in about 4500SGD debt right now. So no vacations for the next 20 years and then must get a visa for every country 3 months before I visit in the future!

PMS

Ok so I am aware that this is not an acceptable blog topic, but I HATE PMS. It freaking annoys me so badly. I hate having such extreme emotions, where some stupid little thing will make me wanna fly, and then the next moment I will be crying buckets of tears for no apparent reason, and searching in my mind for long disappeared pain causing things so I can convince myself I have a reason to be depressed and am not crazy. I hate this helplessness and powerlessness over my feelings, even more so because I tend to say even more inappropriate things than I normally say to people all around, which I know is wrong and bad and unacceptable, but the partial filter that usually exists between my subconscious thoughts and tongue seems to lift as well. I can get no useful work done. Most of the time it's just depression, followed by a reckless desire to see what is the worst that can happen if I don't do any work at all. I seem to want company at one minute, and the next want to bury myself in my room, under a big fat blanket, to never emerge again. Anything and everything can cause my mood to change drastically. Anyone and anything can annoy me really badly.

HATE HATE HATE.

If Johnny Depp is Satan, I wanna go to Hell.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

The human stupidity. Be grateful for it.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

Mamboooo..

This is another one of my all time favorite SYTYCD dance routines. Benji and Heidi Mambo.

Benji is of course my all-time favorite dancer on the show. And even though I didn't like Heidi (his cousin) all that much, (her face looks like a scrawny cat and she's way too thin), but this dance was as if they could do no wrong. Breathtaking!

Enigma

I am trying to understand something today. It is way beyond my comprehension, but I am trying. Because not understanding it would confirm a theory I had a long time ago, (actually not allll that long ago) - that all men suck. And if that is true, I shall lose my faith in men-kind, which won't be the best thing ever.

I am trying to understand why most people in this culture are so desperate to get laid. Other than the sex part. And the baser nature and instinct part. I get that part. What I do not get is that is that really all that matters to them? Like REALLY? Seriously?

How desperate can a person be for a one night stand that they are willing to overlook the fact that any future interaction with the other person is going to be extremely awkward and unpleasant, to say the least? Are a few seconds (yeah seconds) of feeling good really worth turning into a monster? Does it make you feel more manly? Strong? Powerful? A rapist??

Are you really that shallow and full of self-loathing that you had to violate another person to feel good about yourself? The more I get to know you, the more I pity you than hate you.

And yeah, don't even try and tell me oh-no-I-am-not-that-type, we can have a relationship if you want. If a girl believes you when you say that when you’re piss drunk and ready to pass out, then maybe she does deserve you.

I understand the cultural difference part, but why does any culture have to be like that? Is this really the great Western culture we are all, consciously or unconsciously, trying to emulate?

I know a lot of people tend to blame girls for getting raped. Oh ya, her wearing a sleeveless top is what make you a bastard isn’t it, not the fact that something is fucking wrong with you.

One argument you could make is what’s so wrong with sex anyway? The other argument is, what is so great about it anyway?

This post is dedicated to all those people who have ever been in a position where they have felt sexually threatened by any other person. Believe me, it is not your fault, not in the least, not if someone tries doing something to you against your will. Do NOT blame yourself. Of course unless you wanted them to.

But it IS your fault if you let them. It is NOT ok for you to say “oh it's a cultural difference”. Or maybe if you were raised here you have become so used to it you think it is ok. It is NOT. Heck which culture says it's ok to violate another human being? The whole continent of America seems big on respecting the privacy of other people, how about we respect the physical privacy as well?

I have always loathed those roadside-romeos on the roads of my city, but now I'm forced to think, is there a worse kind? At least those people know their place, they don't force you to do something you really don’t want to, not without the fear of jail.

p.s. To any of you who may feel worried about me after reading this post, I am fine. These are just my observations, not experiences. Thankfully.

Me.

I'm the kind of person who thinks it's her duty to cheer people up when they are bored or pissed or depressed. I am also a person who feels that if I tell you that I am bored or pissed or depressed, it is your duty to try to cheer me up. I find it selfish and mean and jerk-like behavior if you don't.

I also don't like seasonal friends, who are friendly with you when it is convenient for them, but are too busy to be believable when their purpose has been served.

I am a person who believes in the importance of having, and keeping friends. That being said, I understand that people get busy, and can't find the time to keep in touch. I also believe that this doesn't make them bad people, just removes them from the list of your close friends, and they should be willing to accept this change.

I'm a person who jels perfectly with some people instantly, but can't stand others equally fast.

I hate it when people misspell or use wrong grammar - specially 'your' instead of 'you're' and stuff like that. It just makes me feel that they are illiterate. Even though I may make the same error sometimes.

I tend to get stuck on one song at a time, when I will listen to it so many times within a short span of time that I get sick of it and can finally move on to the next one.

I also tend to adapt to new places fairly easily and quickly, and almost forget of the life that existed before I moved to this new place.

I am a person who sucks at programming. Initially I used to believe it was for lack of trying, but over the course of 5 years and 7 languages, I have realized it is just not something I was meant to do. I can do the more basic stuff, but the moment it turns ugly and complicated, I flee.

I am a person who excessively and exclusively watches TV series. I've seen about 27 of them, most of them completely. I completed 6 seasons of the series 24 in 7 days. Each season has 24 episodes of about 42 minutes. During this time I slept only in the day and left the room only to shower or get food. It is the single biggest achievement of my life.

The only sport I have ever actually been interested in watching is cricket. I can't play any sports. Not if my life depended on it.

And I can't dance. Though I absolutely totally love watching people dance. Everytime I see a particularly amazing dance, I get this great desire to learn dance. I can sometimes even convince myself that I in reality know how to dance and just haven't realized it yet, so if I start learning, I will discover that I am a natural at it. This feeling of course disappears the moment I actually try dancing.

I am a person who tells you to your face if you are being stupid, or annoying me.

I am a person who was not born with a generous helping of patience. There is only so much I can take before exploding in a banter of piercing words, where I curse and blame and rave at whoever is most accessible.

I hate it when people ask me questions about what my life is like. If you really want to know, don't ask. I tend to talk a lot. I will most probably end up telling you about everything that is happening in my life if you don't ask me. And ya, I talk. A lot.

I hate it when people walk slowly. Especially when they walk in groups of 3-4 and block the entire walkway such that there is no way of getting through except to rudely brush them aside and then say 'excuse me'.

I think black is the sexiest colour, though it is technically not a colour, especially in clothes.

I hate it when people don't reply to messages (sms, chat) or calls. I can understand that sometimes you might be busy or just didn't check your phone or computer for a while, but doing it often is just plain vain. What are you trying to prove, that you are the centre of the universe and are too busy to respond to us lesser mortals?

I can't take compliments. I feel like you are mocking me or have an ulterior motive if you compliment me, so don't mind my 'oh really?' reaction instead of the expected 'thank you :)'.

I am a person who cannot stand people who are slow. Or mind-numbingly boring.
I also can't stand soft sissy guys. Man up!
I'm not a fan of clingy, needy people, though I do share some traits with them I think.
But what I hate most are the damsel-in-distress, come-save-me kind of girls.

I also cannot stand people who are too touchy, because my general conversation revolves around pulling your leg. If you lie in the category of people who blaze up at every single topic and feel like I'm insulting you, sorry, we can't be friends.

I am a person who can cry her eyes out at every Grey's Anatomy or OTH episode or heartbreaks which happen in her imagination, but somehow cannot shed tears at the passing away of near ones.

I am mean.

I am weird.

I am me.

FOOLS

This world is full of fools. The most harmless type seem to be those who recognise that they are fools. The most dangerous by far are those who are convinced they are biggest smarty pants in the whole world. I can't stand people who have such high impressions of themselves that their head is going to burst with the self involvement. Whose “knowledge” is gained by reading up random, inconsequential bits and pieces of information that they are convinced it is essential to know. For example, knowing the year your university was established ranks right up there in the MUST KNOW list, and woe betide anyone who overlooks this “crucial” bit of information.

Then again their misplaced sense of pride irks one and all. Apparently the fact that the university you are enrolled in is a million times better in every single way than theirs is too trivial a fact to be taken into consideration. They will go and read up stupid things on Wikipedia, and then come “test” you. And if you do not manage to tell them satisfactory answers, they will look down upon as someone barely worth knowing.

Even if you know every damned thing there is to know, it gives you no right to make your head swell like that. Because then you don’t know manners or humility. So what if you know about this place, we have both learnt stuff, albeit very different stuff.

These are the kind of people you can tolerate, even pity, as long as their mouth is tightly shut. But horror of horrors when that unthinking tongue is unleashed. There is just so much that you can do to prevent yourself from literally scratching out their eye balls in your fury.

Such are the people who are so sure in their own limited world of knowing everything that there is to know that they will never open their mind to the idea that there is a bigger world out there, that other people’s priority in life might be a teeny tiny bit different from yours.

And I am sorry but looking down on others who are in fact better off than you is not something I do. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if the other person is better off or not, you do not look down on them. You do not judge them for what they do. You have no fucking right to adjudge their circumstances in life and then blame them for their decisions.

It matters not whether you are rich or poor, have seen how much of the world, what matters is that while we may all live different lives, we all have experiences worth the same. And all our lives are equally worth it. I try to remember that when I see people less well off than me, and I sure as hell try to keep it in mind when I see people much better off.

I think my deciding to go where I did, and do what I am doing is a better thing than anything you have done in your whole darned life. I might not remember what year my university was established in, but I damned well know that even to be considered for admission you have to have more 90% in your exams. I also know that both the ICSE and CBSE all India toppers for my batch chose to come there. I would say such information is more important to know, than let’s say, the motto of the university?

It is indeed a pity that I have met two such people in the past 3 months. I hope to never meet another one, but unfortunately I know there are others like this out there.

Retards.

Pet peeves

Here are a few of my eccentricities. I shall keep adding as I recall more.

I used to be very scared of the shower. I somehow had the nightmarish idea that blood would come out instead of water. Another fear I had was that teeny fishes would pour out along with the water. I think I've pretty much gotten over that since hostels don't really offer a bucket and mug.

I have this weird idea where I want to someday be able to tell people that I'm dying of cancer. And when they laugh it off, and say "Oh thank God", I can genuinely tell them that I am not joking. And make them feel very guilty. Though I do hope it is never the case when I think logically and sensibly.

I can build up whole long conversations in my head, including the whole 'movie' set. It can include people from real life or people I conjure up in my head. And believe me, my scenes go into much more details than they do in your head. And people like Akash, don't think pervy now.

I never watch scary movies/TV series. I just cannot. If I do, I'll keep imagining that thing for weeks, dreaming very life-like nightmares about it. I remember I happened to see this TV serial's episode's teeny fraction where there were hands coming out of the wall against which a guy was leaning. To this day, when I lean against my wall or even the bed ka side, that thought crosses my mind.

Another scary thing is this story I was told by my Dad about his colleague whose house was haunted and how his wife and daughter used to see a ghost on the fan and how their daughter was discovered a couple of times inside a container, badly scratched and bruised. So when I look at the fan, especially at night when the lights are out, sometimes I think of that.

So I guess you understand why I don't watch scary things. My imagination is usually enough. I'm very scared of the dark. I remember I used to find excuses to not go into the house alone on winter days when everyone was sitting outside or on the roof for sunlight. And if I was made to, I would run in and run out, as fast as I possibly could.

I tend to remember weird bits and pieces here and there in excruciating detail. Some parts of my lecture notes, which might not be at all relevant from an exam point of view, become etched in my mind. As do dialogues. Many, many Friends episodes, my favorite movies, etc are so deeply engraved onto my mind that I might not have seen them for 3 years also. But when I see them again I'll remember them. For those who were there on V Day night this year, you might remember my dialogue-remembering prowess.

I have this unnatural fear and dislike for insects. And animals too I would say. I can look at a cockroach from far away and feel grossified. And of course PGP rooms are a haven for all sorts of insects. So every late night I'm gifted with a buzzing one which seems to charge right for me. And I scream like a true girl and flail madly. It was actually when this huge moth came into my room that I realized for the first time that I could actually be classified as girly :) And I don't like animals too. Very scared of dogs. Don't like cats. They look so evil and stare like they hate me. I read this book Mr.Galliano's circus and about how soft the eyes of all animals are and how could anyone be rude and mean to them. Well I swear I tried to look at the eyes of the next dog I saw. But then it barked and I ran. So that is that.

Cheers!

This bubble we live in.

Here I was, thinking how much my life sucked. How, because I'd been watching Boston Legal and IPL Match for the past few hours, I was ruining my life. And how I was pissed at everyone around.

So I went and searched for random videos on YouTube. Which is when I came across these 2 videos about adoption. Which made me feel so shallow. And somehow re-affirmed my desire to adopt 1 day. I know a lot of people have this dream when they are young, but somehow when they grow up, the dream doesn't reach fruition. I hope that someday, if I do forget about this dream of mine, I will by some chance happen to read this blog post, and fulfill this dream that I have today.

The first video is worth watching for, if nothing else, the cute kids. I don't like the part in-between Christ part because I hate any kind of religious preaching (totally my thing, no need to get offended), but otherwise it's a very sweet video.

The 2nd one is more tear inducing. And very true too I think. A little like Taare Zameen Par maybe? Except that this is about a kid who is shuttled from one home to another, with no place to call home, and who lives with the tiny flicker of hope in his heart that someday, maybe, his parents will come and take him home.

This bubble we live in, where the only worries which surround us are whether we'll get an A or a C for our next exam, whether Mumbai or Deccan will walk away with the IPL 2009 trophy, whether we'll get a $3000 or $5000 job once we graduate; where it's a given that we'll get a square meal at the end of the day, and it's a given that we have family and friends whom we can trust, whom we call up any time of the day or night and who will actually listen to us. So many givens in our life. Especially in Singapore. Where the only tangible poverty that we might see is in the form of workers, building new buildings and train stations for us, so that Mr. Mid-Level Clerk won't have too much trouble getting to work.

And yet we complain. Day in and day out. What we have is never enough.

I should know. I've spent half my adult life complaining.

Red-haired freAK

Misconception:
My whole head is not red. Its just the front part of it. So do not look so disappointed when you see me, I am not THAT stupid, you a-hole.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yep that's what I look like now. A red-haired freak.

How it came about:

I decided, yet again, to colour my hair. And since the last time I tried, no colour came coz my hair is too dark coloured, so this time I used bleach also. And by the time I got to the strands behind, and started timing the 30 minutes I was supposed to remove it in, the front lock which was the first one to have been bleached, had become blondishly-bronze. So when I washed my hair, I was like ewwwwWWWWWWW. I looked like one of those hippie-wanna-be's. So I obviously refused to go out into the world looking like that. So I cancelled my tuition and set about colouring it. And now its too red. That stupid front lock of hair. So now I look like a punk. Sigh.

An experiment gone wrong. That's how I try to explain it away when people give me that unbelieving-bemused look.

I tried henna-ing it. But of course what can henna do against Revlon. So it remains as red as ever.

I could of course buy dark brown or black colour and colour it again. But I don't think I will. Firstly, coz I think I've wasted just about enough money on my stupid whims. Secondly, coz I'm sick of washing my hair again and again. Thirdly, coz I think I deserve it. Kisne kaha tha weird kaam karne ko. And fourthly, ahh well I'm lazy. And lastly, of course its fun :D At least I shall serve as a pick-me-up to people during this stressful exam time when they can see me and go ha-ha-ha :) See I'm such a philantropist.

p.s. Technically its burgundy, not red :P