Dear Blank Please Blank

Dear pi,
You're increasing my radius.
Sincerely, fat honours math student.

Dear rug,
I love the way you lie.
Sincerely, floor.

Dear boy,
You want your eyes back?
Sincerely, I found them in my cleavage.

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear six-year-old-sister,
When I talk about losing my virginity on the phone, I don't need you enlisting the whole house to help me find it.
Sincerely, stop eavesdropping.

Dear guy behind me who is riding my bumper,
Unfortunately for you, I am about to make an abrupt stop just because I feel like it.
Sincerely, wheee!!!

Dear Little Mermaid,
You were a mute, I'm pretty sure that means he only liked you for your body...
Sincerely, intelligent women everywhere.

Dear Santa Claus,
The toys are ready to ship to the North Pole!
Sincerely, China

Dear person texting while walking,
Sorry for breaking your nose. Can you see me now?
Sincerely, lamp post.

Dear family,
We are on vacation. Why are we up at 7 in the morning!?
Sincerely, disgruntled teenage child.

Dear airhead in my history class,
Yes, A.D. does stand for after dinosaurs.
Sincerely, amused classmate.

Dear boys who want x-ray vision as their superpower,
Congratulations, you can now see girls' skeletons.
Sincerely, have you ever seen an x-ray?

Dear raisins,
Please get out of my cookies.
Sincerely, I thought those were chocolate chips.

Dear cereal,
They're only using you to get to me.
Sincerely, marshmallows.

Dear thighs,
Please lend me some thunder?
Sincerely, A-cups.

Dear society,
How have you managed to make girls feel bad for being virgins AND losing their virginity?
Sincerely, what do you want from us?!?

Dear roommate,
I am not giving you permission to sing louder when I turn the stereo up. I'm trying to drown out your voice.
Sincerely, you're off pitch.

Dear bus driver,
No, no, no. I was only running to see if I could get in a quick workout before school. I didn't need a ride or anything.
Sincerely, now late to class.

Dear Elevator,
Remember that night in Vegas? Well, we have a son and his name is Escalator.
Sincerely, Stairs.

Dear ancient Mayans,
Your prediction skills can't be that great... You didn't even see the Spanish coming.
Sincerely, 2012

Dear guy with big headphones who tries to act like a tough gangsta,
I can hear Party in the USA blasting from your headphones.
Sincerely, nice try.

Dear mom,
When I tell you that I can't find something, thanks for saying "Well it's gotta be somewhere!" because for a second there I thought I was looking for something that didn't exist...
Sincerely, your daughter.

Dear people who don't check their pockets before putting them in the laundry,
Thanks for the money.
Sincerely, Anonymous.

Dear guy with the British accent,
You instantly became more attractive. Say more words.
Sincerely, average American girl.