ShitMyDadSays

No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's.

YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there.

Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?

You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone.

Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you.

It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.

I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.

War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker.

HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first.

Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor.

A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows.

Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable.

Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0

We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts.

I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works.

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit.

You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it.

Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.

Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out.

I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.

Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that.

That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them.

Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole.

No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?

Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi.

The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2.

Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say.

You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimme the remote we're not watching this bullshit.

The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing.

Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.

Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.

The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog.

It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit.

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.