Life sucks sometimes

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses -- but, as a lifestyle, I find it too confining.

Some days you're the windshield,
Some days you're the bug.

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”

Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that on one ever asks for.

"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic.