Recession humour

They used to say there are only two sure things in life – death and taxes. Now there are three – death, taxes, and borrowing money from the Chinese.

Things are bad. The poor are being ignored, the country is at war, rising unemployed. In fact, Margaret Thatcher picked up the newspaper and thought, "Hey, I must still be Prime Minister."

The term credit crunch was actually the first name given to Dorset Cereal Muesli. And if you can afford to buy the stuff, then I think the the real credit crunch does not affect you.

The Dow Jones is looking so ugly and battered they are considering changing it to the Vinnie Jones.

How much do you think bankers make? Some now make as much as £150,000 a year. But they say it stimulates the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to pubs, clubs and brothels ... and so it will eventually get back in the community.

The Government has always warned us that al-Qa'ida has planned an attack to damage our economy. Well, I've a feeling someone is sitting in a cave right now going "Wasn't me".

So let me get this right, it started with Bush creating sub-prime lending, a way for the poor of America to afford their own housing. It crashes, causing worldwide financialdisaster, plummeting our banks and mortgages, but now giving a chance for first-time buyers to get on the property ladder here. Define irony...

Mervyn King today said, "There is light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately it is a candle.

The biggest worry in the US is gas prices getting higher, and if that happens we might see something totally unprecedented in America. People actually walking.

People are too willing to put their non-existent money on credit cards. The only people who only accept cash are drug dealers. And they've all kept their jobs and still drive around in BMWs.

What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

No wonder Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingley failed with the FSA in charge. What do the Food Standards Agency know about mortgages? They can't even get the fat content of a latte right.

We can't really complain about capitalism backfiring on us like this. As my grandmother used to say, "There's no point whingeing about being eaten by a horse if you've decided to play polo dressed as a sugar lump."

I knew the banks were in trouble when I turned on to watch Deal Or No Deal and the banker had disappeared. There was just Noel Edmonds, 22 boxes and a recorded message.

I remember the good old days, when "credit crunch" was just the sound your kneecaps made when the loan shark caught up with you. They were simpler times.

A man walks in to a sweet shop and says, "Have you heard about the credit crunch?" The man behind the counter replies, "Is that made by Cadbury's or Nestlé?"