And another year has gone by. It just struck me today that 21 years of my life have actually passed by. 21. Do I remember all of them? No. Definitely not. It's too long a time to remember. I have random broken memories.
I am very grateful though for the past one year. I have had the opportunity to travel more than I would ever have imagined, and instead of satiating my desire to see new places, it has only whet my appetite. Europe, HK, Japan, Africa. Oh and US. Someday :)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Over the past five years, millions of people have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research.
It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who will not remember what to do with them!
It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who will not remember what to do with them!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Hope
Hope is a funny thing. It can be the best and the worst thing in your life, often both at the same time. It can keep you afloat when you're drowning, and be the cause of a lot of pain when you should actually have let go, but didn't, because you hoped. It can make you imagine things that aren't really there. But more often than not, it is what keeps us going through the worst of times. So hope, for a better tomorrow, a successful tomorrow.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Ye Dil Ki Lagi Kam Kya Hogi
Ye Dil Ki Lagi Kam Kya Hogi
Ye Ishq Bhala Kam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Nagamo Se Barasati Hai Masti
Chhalake Hain Khushi Ke Paimaane
Aaj Aisi Bahaaren Aai Hain
Kal Jinake Banenge Afasaane
Ab Ise Jyaada Aur Haseen
Ye Pyaar Ka Mausam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Ye Aaj Ka Rang Aur Ye Mahafil
Dil Bhi Hai Yahaan Diladaar Bhi Hai
Aankhon Mein Kayaamat Ke Jalave
Seene Mein Sulagata Pyaar Bhi Hai
Is Rang Mein Koi Ji Le Agar
Marane Ka Use Gam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Haalat Hai Ajab Divaanon Ki
Ab Khair Nahi Paravaanon Ki
Anjaam-E-Mohabbat Kya Kahiye
Laya Badhane Lagi Aramaanon Ki
Aise Mein Jo Paayal Toot Gayi
Phir Ai Mere Hamadam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Ye Ishq Bhala Kam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Nagamo Se Barasati Hai Masti
Chhalake Hain Khushi Ke Paimaane
Aaj Aisi Bahaaren Aai Hain
Kal Jinake Banenge Afasaane
Ab Ise Jyaada Aur Haseen
Ye Pyaar Ka Mausam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Ye Aaj Ka Rang Aur Ye Mahafil
Dil Bhi Hai Yahaan Diladaar Bhi Hai
Aankhon Mein Kayaamat Ke Jalave
Seene Mein Sulagata Pyaar Bhi Hai
Is Rang Mein Koi Ji Le Agar
Marane Ka Use Gam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Haalat Hai Ajab Divaanon Ki
Ab Khair Nahi Paravaanon Ki
Anjaam-E-Mohabbat Kya Kahiye
Laya Badhane Lagi Aramaanon Ki
Aise Mein Jo Paayal Toot Gayi
Phir Ai Mere Hamadam Kya Hoga
Jab Raat Hai Aisi Matavaali
Phir Subah Ka Aalam Kya Hoga
Friday, March 26, 2010
If I could delete you from my life, that would be amazing.
Woh teer hi kya jo dil ke paar na ho..
Kaaton ko murjhaane ka khauf nahi hota.
Kaaton ko murjhaane ka khauf nahi hota.
Let men be men.
(CNN) -- Although women the world over have been doing it for centuries, we can't really blame a guy for being a guy. And this is especially true now that we know that the male and female brains have some profound differences.
Our brains are mostly alike. We are the same species, after all. But the differences can sometimes make it seem like we are worlds apart.
The "defend your turf" area -- dorsal premammillary nucleus -- is larger in the male brain and contains special circuits to detect territorial challenges by other males. And his amygdala, the alarm system for threats, fear and danger is also larger in men. These brain differences make men more alert than women to potential turf threats.
Meanwhile, the "I feel what you feel" part of the brain -- mirror-neuron system -- is larger and more active in the female brain. So women can naturally get in sync with others' emotions by reading facial expressions, interpreting tone of voice and other nonverbal emotional cues.
Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 20 to 25-fold more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.
If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of nearly two gallons a day. This fuels their sexual engines and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex.
And so begins the 'Man Trance'
All that testosterone drives the "Man Trance"-- that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts. As a woman who was among the ranks of the early feminists, I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates. Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods.
To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later, while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken for dinner. He asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV. We smolder and fear that he'll leave us for another woman.
Not surprisingly, the different objectives that men and women have in mating games put us on opposing teams -- at least at first. The female brain is driven to seek security and reliability in a potential mate before she has sex. But a male brain is fueled to mate and mate again. Until, that is, he mates for life.
Despite stereotypes to the contrary, the male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so. When he meets and sets his sights on capturing "the one," mating with her becomes his prime directive. And when he succeeds, his brain makes an indelible imprint of her. Lust and love collide and he's hooked.
The 'Doting Daddy Brain'
A man in hot pursuit of a mate doesn't even remotely resemble a devoted, doting daddy. But that's what his future holds. When his mate becomes pregnant, she'll emit pheromones that will waft into his nostrils, stimulating his brain to make more of a hormone called prolactin. Her pheromones will also cause his testosterone production to drop by 30 percent.
These hormonal changes make him more likely to help with the baby. They also change his perceptual circuitry, increasing his ability to hear a baby cry, something many men can't do very well before their wives are pregnant.
And a word to the wise for all the young mothers who are reluctant to let your husbands hold and care for your newborn. The more hands-on care a father gives his infant, the more his brain aligns with the role of fatherhood. So, hand over the baby.
His emotions run deep
Although men have earned the reputation for being more stoic than women, they actually have stronger emotional reactions than we do. They just don't show it very often.
Studies of men's faces show that the male brain's initial emotional reaction can be stronger than the female brain's. But within 2.5 seconds, he changes his face to hide the emotion, or even reverse it. The repeated practice of hiding his emotions gives men the classic poker face.
It's his poker face and his analytical response to personal problems that can put him in the doghouse. She's crying as she talks about what's wrong with the relationship, and instead of hugging her, his mind is racing to find a way to resolve the problem as soon as possible. With practice and because of the way their brains are wired, men use their analytical brain structures, not their emotional ones, to find a solution.
They enjoy this advantage, but women often take affront to it. When you're telling your husband your problem and he tries to solve it instead of hearing you out, you may think he's being insensitive. But that's not what's going on in his brain. He's working to solve the problem so he can relieve your pain as quickly as possible. Not because he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen, but because he loves you.
'Lovable Grandpas' and 'Grumpy Old Men'
As men age, the male brain hormones change and the male brain and body goes into the stage of life called andropause. The king of male hormones -- testosterone -- goes down and the queen of female hormones -- estrogen -- goes up. Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes. For example, if his testosterone levels drop to an abnormally low level, he can feel tired, irritable and even depressed. Some men in this condition seek hormone replacement therapy and others find relief in exercise, more frequent sex, and spending more time with other people.
The grandpa that kids can't wait to see is the one who's feeling the effects of the hormone oxytocin, often called the "cuddle hormone." He's fun and playful and likes to hear what his grandchildren have to say. He's much more patient with your children than he was with you, when you were growing up. The love circuits of the mature male brain can be hijacked by his grandkids, even more than they were by his own children.
The 'Lonely Hearts Club'
Not only is the mature male brain more receptive to closer bonds, but it's also more sensitive to loneliness. Nobody thrives when they're lonely, but it seems to take a major toll on older men. Sixty percent of divorces in couples over the age of 50 are initiated by women, leaving their husbands shell-shocked and devastated.
Once his wife leaves, unless he makes a point of socializing more with other people, his brain stops getting the social workout it needs to make him feel good about himself. If he becomes a loner, his social-approval circuits don't get activated. In brain scan studies of older males researchers have found that the brain's pleasure and reward areas, the VTA and the NAc, remain more active in men who are social. So don't begrudge the divorcee or the new widower some socializing and seeking female companionship.
The bottom line
The human brain is the best learning machine on the planet and human beings are capable of making major changes in our lives. But there are some things that the male brain and female brain are not likely to change anytime soon. And it makes more sense to deal with these brain realities, than to argue with them or ignoring them.
The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain.
Let men be men.
Our brains are mostly alike. We are the same species, after all. But the differences can sometimes make it seem like we are worlds apart.
The "defend your turf" area -- dorsal premammillary nucleus -- is larger in the male brain and contains special circuits to detect territorial challenges by other males. And his amygdala, the alarm system for threats, fear and danger is also larger in men. These brain differences make men more alert than women to potential turf threats.
Meanwhile, the "I feel what you feel" part of the brain -- mirror-neuron system -- is larger and more active in the female brain. So women can naturally get in sync with others' emotions by reading facial expressions, interpreting tone of voice and other nonverbal emotional cues.
Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 20 to 25-fold more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.
If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of nearly two gallons a day. This fuels their sexual engines and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex.
And so begins the 'Man Trance'
All that testosterone drives the "Man Trance"-- that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts. As a woman who was among the ranks of the early feminists, I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates. Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods.
To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later, while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken for dinner. He asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV. We smolder and fear that he'll leave us for another woman.
Not surprisingly, the different objectives that men and women have in mating games put us on opposing teams -- at least at first. The female brain is driven to seek security and reliability in a potential mate before she has sex. But a male brain is fueled to mate and mate again. Until, that is, he mates for life.
Despite stereotypes to the contrary, the male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so. When he meets and sets his sights on capturing "the one," mating with her becomes his prime directive. And when he succeeds, his brain makes an indelible imprint of her. Lust and love collide and he's hooked.
The 'Doting Daddy Brain'
A man in hot pursuit of a mate doesn't even remotely resemble a devoted, doting daddy. But that's what his future holds. When his mate becomes pregnant, she'll emit pheromones that will waft into his nostrils, stimulating his brain to make more of a hormone called prolactin. Her pheromones will also cause his testosterone production to drop by 30 percent.
These hormonal changes make him more likely to help with the baby. They also change his perceptual circuitry, increasing his ability to hear a baby cry, something many men can't do very well before their wives are pregnant.
And a word to the wise for all the young mothers who are reluctant to let your husbands hold and care for your newborn. The more hands-on care a father gives his infant, the more his brain aligns with the role of fatherhood. So, hand over the baby.
His emotions run deep
Although men have earned the reputation for being more stoic than women, they actually have stronger emotional reactions than we do. They just don't show it very often.
Studies of men's faces show that the male brain's initial emotional reaction can be stronger than the female brain's. But within 2.5 seconds, he changes his face to hide the emotion, or even reverse it. The repeated practice of hiding his emotions gives men the classic poker face.
It's his poker face and his analytical response to personal problems that can put him in the doghouse. She's crying as she talks about what's wrong with the relationship, and instead of hugging her, his mind is racing to find a way to resolve the problem as soon as possible. With practice and because of the way their brains are wired, men use their analytical brain structures, not their emotional ones, to find a solution.
They enjoy this advantage, but women often take affront to it. When you're telling your husband your problem and he tries to solve it instead of hearing you out, you may think he's being insensitive. But that's not what's going on in his brain. He's working to solve the problem so he can relieve your pain as quickly as possible. Not because he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen, but because he loves you.
'Lovable Grandpas' and 'Grumpy Old Men'
As men age, the male brain hormones change and the male brain and body goes into the stage of life called andropause. The king of male hormones -- testosterone -- goes down and the queen of female hormones -- estrogen -- goes up. Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes. For example, if his testosterone levels drop to an abnormally low level, he can feel tired, irritable and even depressed. Some men in this condition seek hormone replacement therapy and others find relief in exercise, more frequent sex, and spending more time with other people.
The grandpa that kids can't wait to see is the one who's feeling the effects of the hormone oxytocin, often called the "cuddle hormone." He's fun and playful and likes to hear what his grandchildren have to say. He's much more patient with your children than he was with you, when you were growing up. The love circuits of the mature male brain can be hijacked by his grandkids, even more than they were by his own children.
The 'Lonely Hearts Club'
Not only is the mature male brain more receptive to closer bonds, but it's also more sensitive to loneliness. Nobody thrives when they're lonely, but it seems to take a major toll on older men. Sixty percent of divorces in couples over the age of 50 are initiated by women, leaving their husbands shell-shocked and devastated.
Once his wife leaves, unless he makes a point of socializing more with other people, his brain stops getting the social workout it needs to make him feel good about himself. If he becomes a loner, his social-approval circuits don't get activated. In brain scan studies of older males researchers have found that the brain's pleasure and reward areas, the VTA and the NAc, remain more active in men who are social. So don't begrudge the divorcee or the new widower some socializing and seeking female companionship.
The bottom line
The human brain is the best learning machine on the planet and human beings are capable of making major changes in our lives. But there are some things that the male brain and female brain are not likely to change anytime soon. And it makes more sense to deal with these brain realities, than to argue with them or ignoring them.
The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain.
Let men be men.
Grey's, 6x02: "Goodbye"
Lexie: Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Meredith: There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Alex: Denial.
Derek: Anger.
Bailey: Bargaining.
Lexie: Depression.
Richard: Acceptance.
Mark: It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Meredith: There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Alex: Denial.
Derek: Anger.
Bailey: Bargaining.
Lexie: Depression.
Richard: Acceptance.
No fee, Chen Lee :D
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Singapura
Things you may or may not know about this place we call our second home:
Singapore consists of 63 islands, including mainland Singapore.
On average, the relative humidity is around 90% in the morning and 60% in the afternoon. During prolonged heavy rain, relative humidity often reaches 100%.
Singapore is unique as it is the only country in Asia which has English as its first language.
Singapore is the 5th wealthiest country in the world in terms of GDP (PPP) per capita.
In 2009, the Economist Intelligence Unit ranked Singapore the tenth most expensive city in the world in which to live—the third in Asia, after Tokyo and Osaka.
The city state is also the second most crowded country in the world after Monaco.
Singapore has consistently been rated as the least corrupt country in Asia and among the world's ten most free from corruption by Transparency International.
The Economist Intelligence Unit describes Singapore as a "hybrid regime" of democratic and authoritarian elements. Freedom House ranks the country as "partly free".
In its Annual Worldwide Press Freedom Index for 2004, Reporters Without Borders ranked Singapore 147 out of 167. Most of the local media are directly or indirectly controlled by the government through shareholdings of these media entities by the state's investment arm Temasek Holdings, and are often perceived as pro-government.
Capital punishment (hanging) for first-degree murder and drug trafficking.
Singapore has one of the busiest ports in the world and is the world's fourth largest foreign exchange trading centre after London, New York City and Tokyo.
Singapore introduced a Goods and Services Tax (GST) with an initial rate of 3% on 1 April 1994. The taxable GST was increased to 4% in 2003, to 5% in 2004, and to 7% on 1 July 2007.
Singapore is fast positioning itself as a medical tourism hub — about 200,000 foreigners seek medical care in the country each year. (I'm guessing that's 200,000 * 20 Panadols given out)
Singapore has one of the highest percentage of foreigners in the world. 36% of the population in Singapore are foreigners and foreigners make up 50% of the service sector in Singapore.
About 7.8 million tourists visited Singapore in 2006. The total visitor arrivals reached around 10.2 million in 2007. Singapore population is still less than 5 million.
Singapore maintains diplomatic relations with 175 countries, although it does not maintain a high commission or embassy in many of those countries. Singapore enjoys good relations with many European nations, including France, Germany and the United Kingdom.
In 2008, the total fertility rate was only 1.28 children per woman, the 3rd lowest in the world and well below the 2.10 needed to replace the population. To overcome this problem, the government is encouraging foreigners to immigrate to Singapore. These large numbers of immigrants have kept Singapore's population from declining.
Singapore consists of 63 islands, including mainland Singapore.
On average, the relative humidity is around 90% in the morning and 60% in the afternoon. During prolonged heavy rain, relative humidity often reaches 100%.
Singapore is unique as it is the only country in Asia which has English as its first language.
Singapore is the 5th wealthiest country in the world in terms of GDP (PPP) per capita.
In 2009, the Economist Intelligence Unit ranked Singapore the tenth most expensive city in the world in which to live—the third in Asia, after Tokyo and Osaka.
The city state is also the second most crowded country in the world after Monaco.
Singapore has consistently been rated as the least corrupt country in Asia and among the world's ten most free from corruption by Transparency International.
The Economist Intelligence Unit describes Singapore as a "hybrid regime" of democratic and authoritarian elements. Freedom House ranks the country as "partly free".
In its Annual Worldwide Press Freedom Index for 2004, Reporters Without Borders ranked Singapore 147 out of 167. Most of the local media are directly or indirectly controlled by the government through shareholdings of these media entities by the state's investment arm Temasek Holdings, and are often perceived as pro-government.
Capital punishment (hanging) for first-degree murder and drug trafficking.
Singapore has one of the busiest ports in the world and is the world's fourth largest foreign exchange trading centre after London, New York City and Tokyo.
Singapore introduced a Goods and Services Tax (GST) with an initial rate of 3% on 1 April 1994. The taxable GST was increased to 4% in 2003, to 5% in 2004, and to 7% on 1 July 2007.
Singapore is fast positioning itself as a medical tourism hub — about 200,000 foreigners seek medical care in the country each year. (I'm guessing that's 200,000 * 20 Panadols given out)
Singapore has one of the highest percentage of foreigners in the world. 36% of the population in Singapore are foreigners and foreigners make up 50% of the service sector in Singapore.
About 7.8 million tourists visited Singapore in 2006. The total visitor arrivals reached around 10.2 million in 2007. Singapore population is still less than 5 million.
Singapore maintains diplomatic relations with 175 countries, although it does not maintain a high commission or embassy in many of those countries. Singapore enjoys good relations with many European nations, including France, Germany and the United Kingdom.
In 2008, the total fertility rate was only 1.28 children per woman, the 3rd lowest in the world and well below the 2.10 needed to replace the population. To overcome this problem, the government is encouraging foreigners to immigrate to Singapore. These large numbers of immigrants have kept Singapore's population from declining.
,,I,
I'm feeling petty today.
Who wants to have an argument about peanut butter?
It sucks.
There, I even took the first shot.
Your turn.
Who wants to have an argument about peanut butter?
It sucks.
There, I even took the first shot.
Your turn.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Story of a girl
She was getting married today. All her childhood dreams finally seemed to be coming true. Prince Charming. An elaborate wedding. An exquisite gown.
She needed this. She'd had a hard life. She'd couldn't even remember her father, he'd left them when she was still a toddler. Her mother had been all she'd had, and then she too had passed away a few years ago. She had felt so lost then, so anchorless, until her fiance had introduced her to his mother. In her she had found a new mother, a new hope, a new sense of direction. With this wonderful new family, she could imagine spending the rest of her life with.
She had singlehandedly built a career for herself. To someone on the outside, she had it all. Money, career, fame, love, stability. It was only those closest to her who knew of her pain, her struggles, her losses. But today she was ready to let go of that baggage. Today she would let herself be free, be happy.
She heard a knock on the door, and Tony came in. He looked solemn. Concerned, she asked him what was wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, this could not be happening. This could NOT be happening. She could see her entire world come crashing down around her. She had to leave, had to get away. She packed a small bag and left. No goodbyes, no explanations. She did not have the strength for that anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It had been almost a month since she had been left almost at the altar. The pain still cut through her like an icy knife. She had seen an entire life with this man and his family, and he had ended it, just like that, with a few words.
She was trying to drown her sorrows. She had been living in a daze, a kind of stupor. Too much pain, too much alcohol, too many men. She had not stayed in the same place for more than a night. Just got on to a bus or a train whenever she could. It was like she was trying to run away from her sorrows, but no matter how hard or fast or far she ran, they somehow always managed to catch up with her. A Euro tour had been her lifelong dream, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined enjoying it so little. One city merged into another, museums to beaches to sunrises to sunsets to yet another sunrise. Sometimes she had just did not had the strength to get up from the hotel bed all day. Sometimes she would go for long runs along beaches, hoping that the beauty would soothe her, or that by tiring her body enough, her mind would stop thinking. Nothing had worked. Days blurred. As did nights.
In the last month, she had called one person close to her every week to let them know she was still alive so they wouldn't worry themselves sick. But she did not want to be found, so she never told them where she was, just that she was travelling. Today she would call the woman whom she knew would be able to tell her what to do. She had wanted to call her much earlier, but she knew being the mother of her fiancé, wait ex-fiancé, it would be hard for her to be objective. She went into the phone booth, put in a few coins, and dialled the number that was etched into her memory.
"Hello?" Just hearing that voice calmed her down in a way nothing else had so far.
"Hi, Ma, it's me".
"Oh my God, I'm so glad you called. I've been so worried. Honey, how are you?"
"I'm fine. I'm trying to cope, the best way I can. I knew you would be worried, I'm sorry for not calling earlier. But I just didn't know what I would say to you. I just don't know, what to do, what to say anymore." She was tearing up. All the pain, the anguish that she had tried to keep suppressed, it was rearing its ugly head again.
"Oh, it's alright honey. Just tell me where you are, I'll come get you."
"It's ok Ma, I'm fine. At least I will be. If only I understood why, where I went wrong, maybe I would be able to accept it. I thought I knew him, knew how he felt. I'm sure the signs must have been there, maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. I was too selfish, too busy being happy to realize he wasn't."
"No luv, you can't blame yourself for this. You deserved happiness. And I thought that you two would make a great couple. And if there were signs that he wasn't happy, I should have seen them too. I'm his mother after all. But then again, he's always been such a reserved boy. The only person I ever saw him open up to you was you. But maybe some things just aren't meant to be."
"Mom, who is it?"
"Oh, Tony, umm.."
"It's her, isn't it?"
"Err.. yeah."
"Can I talk to her?"
"I don't think she wants to.."
"No, it's ok Ma, put him on the line. I think it's time."
"Hi Cassandra."
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had been trying to forget the sound of his voice and how it made him feel for the past one month. Yet longing for him, his words, his touch, every moment, every day. And here he was, on the other side of the phone. He must have been on his way out to work. She could just imagine him in his crisp white shirt and black pants and blue jacket, his hair combed back, his shoes shiny. He always had been very particular about looking presentable. She could remember the last time.. No, no, she musn't get carried away in the memories. She had to remind herself of the reality.
She realized she had been unconsciously holding her breath. She sighed, and said "hi".
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days, about why.. how we ended up here. I know I owe you a better explanation than just the few words I said that day. I just.. feel so.. guilty. For breaking your heart, for ending this. I know you were part of my Mom's future dreams too. But I just realized, on that day, that I was going through with the wedding more because it was expected of me, than because I wanted to. And it wouldn't be fair to you, to marry someone who did not love you as much as you deserve to be."
"Why didn't you say anything earlier?"
"I couldn't bring myself to. You seemed so happy. You've been through so much. We've been through so much together. It just seemed wrong to throw it away just because I was feeling unsure. But when I woke up that morning, I just knew. You know in all these years that we've been together, I've been happier than I could ever have imagined, in my wildest dreams. But I think somewhere along the way, we both grew apart. We shared a life, but we never really shared our lives, specially not after the first year together. I'm sorry, I just don't think I love you anymore. I think the best thing for us would be to make a clean break."
"A clean break? Are you serious? After 7 years, after being engaged to you, after all those promises and plans and dreams, you want a clean break? We might not have lived together for all those 7 years, but I have always been there for you. When your career was floundering, when you almost had that affair, even that eccentric abstinence phase, I stayed, and I fought for us. So that one day it would all mean something. And now, when it is your turn, you are just too cowardly to go through with it? Don't shroud it with nice words, don't thank me. You've always known what to say, haven't you? I can't believe I actually used to like that about you. You want a clean break, you can have it. You will never hear from me again. It will be like I never existed."
"Cassandra, I..."
"Goodbye!" He heard a click, and the phone went dead.
It was all she could do to hold on the metal bar in the phone booth to keep herself from crumpling into a heap right there. The cold heartedness of the man to whom she had dedicated it all nearly choked and suffocated her. How could she have been so naive, so blind?
She took a few minutes to compose herself. Then she got up, and walked out of the booth with her head held high. She would remember this day for as long as she lived, but she would never look back. She swore to herself she would never be this vulnerable again. The baby in her womb would be the only reminder in her life of the man she had once loved, and for its sake she would be strong.
She needed this. She'd had a hard life. She'd couldn't even remember her father, he'd left them when she was still a toddler. Her mother had been all she'd had, and then she too had passed away a few years ago. She had felt so lost then, so anchorless, until her fiance had introduced her to his mother. In her she had found a new mother, a new hope, a new sense of direction. With this wonderful new family, she could imagine spending the rest of her life with.
She had singlehandedly built a career for herself. To someone on the outside, she had it all. Money, career, fame, love, stability. It was only those closest to her who knew of her pain, her struggles, her losses. But today she was ready to let go of that baggage. Today she would let herself be free, be happy.
She heard a knock on the door, and Tony came in. He looked solemn. Concerned, she asked him what was wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, this could not be happening. This could NOT be happening. She could see her entire world come crashing down around her. She had to leave, had to get away. She packed a small bag and left. No goodbyes, no explanations. She did not have the strength for that anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It had been almost a month since she had been left almost at the altar. The pain still cut through her like an icy knife. She had seen an entire life with this man and his family, and he had ended it, just like that, with a few words.
She was trying to drown her sorrows. She had been living in a daze, a kind of stupor. Too much pain, too much alcohol, too many men. She had not stayed in the same place for more than a night. Just got on to a bus or a train whenever she could. It was like she was trying to run away from her sorrows, but no matter how hard or fast or far she ran, they somehow always managed to catch up with her. A Euro tour had been her lifelong dream, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined enjoying it so little. One city merged into another, museums to beaches to sunrises to sunsets to yet another sunrise. Sometimes she had just did not had the strength to get up from the hotel bed all day. Sometimes she would go for long runs along beaches, hoping that the beauty would soothe her, or that by tiring her body enough, her mind would stop thinking. Nothing had worked. Days blurred. As did nights.
In the last month, she had called one person close to her every week to let them know she was still alive so they wouldn't worry themselves sick. But she did not want to be found, so she never told them where she was, just that she was travelling. Today she would call the woman whom she knew would be able to tell her what to do. She had wanted to call her much earlier, but she knew being the mother of her fiancé, wait ex-fiancé, it would be hard for her to be objective. She went into the phone booth, put in a few coins, and dialled the number that was etched into her memory.
"Hello?" Just hearing that voice calmed her down in a way nothing else had so far.
"Hi, Ma, it's me".
"Oh my God, I'm so glad you called. I've been so worried. Honey, how are you?"
"I'm fine. I'm trying to cope, the best way I can. I knew you would be worried, I'm sorry for not calling earlier. But I just didn't know what I would say to you. I just don't know, what to do, what to say anymore." She was tearing up. All the pain, the anguish that she had tried to keep suppressed, it was rearing its ugly head again.
"Oh, it's alright honey. Just tell me where you are, I'll come get you."
"It's ok Ma, I'm fine. At least I will be. If only I understood why, where I went wrong, maybe I would be able to accept it. I thought I knew him, knew how he felt. I'm sure the signs must have been there, maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. I was too selfish, too busy being happy to realize he wasn't."
"No luv, you can't blame yourself for this. You deserved happiness. And I thought that you two would make a great couple. And if there were signs that he wasn't happy, I should have seen them too. I'm his mother after all. But then again, he's always been such a reserved boy. The only person I ever saw him open up to you was you. But maybe some things just aren't meant to be."
"Mom, who is it?"
"Oh, Tony, umm.."
"It's her, isn't it?"
"Err.. yeah."
"Can I talk to her?"
"I don't think she wants to.."
"No, it's ok Ma, put him on the line. I think it's time."
"Hi Cassandra."
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had been trying to forget the sound of his voice and how it made him feel for the past one month. Yet longing for him, his words, his touch, every moment, every day. And here he was, on the other side of the phone. He must have been on his way out to work. She could just imagine him in his crisp white shirt and black pants and blue jacket, his hair combed back, his shoes shiny. He always had been very particular about looking presentable. She could remember the last time.. No, no, she musn't get carried away in the memories. She had to remind herself of the reality.
She realized she had been unconsciously holding her breath. She sighed, and said "hi".
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days, about why.. how we ended up here. I know I owe you a better explanation than just the few words I said that day. I just.. feel so.. guilty. For breaking your heart, for ending this. I know you were part of my Mom's future dreams too. But I just realized, on that day, that I was going through with the wedding more because it was expected of me, than because I wanted to. And it wouldn't be fair to you, to marry someone who did not love you as much as you deserve to be."
"Why didn't you say anything earlier?"
"I couldn't bring myself to. You seemed so happy. You've been through so much. We've been through so much together. It just seemed wrong to throw it away just because I was feeling unsure. But when I woke up that morning, I just knew. You know in all these years that we've been together, I've been happier than I could ever have imagined, in my wildest dreams. But I think somewhere along the way, we both grew apart. We shared a life, but we never really shared our lives, specially not after the first year together. I'm sorry, I just don't think I love you anymore. I think the best thing for us would be to make a clean break."
"A clean break? Are you serious? After 7 years, after being engaged to you, after all those promises and plans and dreams, you want a clean break? We might not have lived together for all those 7 years, but I have always been there for you. When your career was floundering, when you almost had that affair, even that eccentric abstinence phase, I stayed, and I fought for us. So that one day it would all mean something. And now, when it is your turn, you are just too cowardly to go through with it? Don't shroud it with nice words, don't thank me. You've always known what to say, haven't you? I can't believe I actually used to like that about you. You want a clean break, you can have it. You will never hear from me again. It will be like I never existed."
"Cassandra, I..."
"Goodbye!" He heard a click, and the phone went dead.
It was all she could do to hold on the metal bar in the phone booth to keep herself from crumpling into a heap right there. The cold heartedness of the man to whom she had dedicated it all nearly choked and suffocated her. How could she have been so naive, so blind?
She took a few minutes to compose herself. Then she got up, and walked out of the booth with her head held high. She would remember this day for as long as she lived, but she would never look back. She swore to herself she would never be this vulnerable again. The baby in her womb would be the only reminder in her life of the man she had once loved, and for its sake she would be strong.
Sexy lady on the floor
I can never understand it when people give me the logic that "why not? Aren't prostitutes/strippers people too?" when others frown upon their acquaintance with them. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you saw them as a person and not a piece of meat, you wouldn't be visiting such places in the first place. I doubt if her personality is the thing on your mind when the lady is sensuously baring it all in front of your eyes. And please don't even dare to try explaining by saying you're helping her earn money.
I'm not going to judge you if you frequent such places, it is totally your choice, but please, don't insult my intelligence by coming up with such dumb explanations.
I'm not going to judge you if you frequent such places, it is totally your choice, but please, don't insult my intelligence by coming up with such dumb explanations.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Insignificance
There are so many people in this world. And an overwhelming majority of them make no difference whatsoever to our existence ever. It is such a small proportion that we actually ever get to even minimally interact with. How many people can a person meet in one lifetime? A few thousand? As opposed to the current world population of almost 7 billion.
It is amazing how differently people think, how the definition of acceptable varies from one to another, and how, to be able to befriend them, you need to keep in mind where they come from. I must admit it is baffling and mind-boggling at times, but well, what is life without struggle.
It is amazing how differently people think, how the definition of acceptable varies from one to another, and how, to be able to befriend them, you need to keep in mind where they come from. I must admit it is baffling and mind-boggling at times, but well, what is life without struggle.
Travel diary
Found this in my saved drafts.
Dated 13 Oct '09
Ok so the first 2 days of our trip are done, and we leave Vancouver tomorrow morning.
The hostel that we're staying in right now is really nice and comfy, with a dorm of 4 and comfy fat blankets and pretty washrooms and decent breakfast!
Vancouver in general seems much nicer than Toronto. The people for one thing are much nicer and friendlier and helpful. It seems cheaper too, at least for transportation. There is no Provincial Tax, unlike the 8% in stupid Toronto. And plus this place is soo superbly beautiful. The fall leaves are all turning red, and this morning when we were walking towards University of British Columbia, a red tree would suddenly pop out of green coniferous (I think) trees. Very beautiful.
Which brings me to how absolutely marvelous the UBC campus is! It seems much nicer than York, bigger, greener, cleaner, with (nude) beaches next to campus. Oh and we saw fraternity/sorority houses, with their Greek names. So much fun. I wonder how popular they are in Canadian unis. I really do wish I could transfer to UBC. I'm sure I would have liked the calmness of the city. To a certain extent I regret not having researched more on unis before coming here.
Then we went to Stanley Park, which is simply HUGE. We spent most of the day walking, mostly in circles. And then at the end of the day got lost, and had to lumber around in the dark towards the Fish House, where we has a reservation. But it turned out to be nice food, I had to have the Penne Pasta, as it was the only veg thing they had. But then the Lava Cake was quite decent. Though Bloody Mary was simply awful. Note to self - NEVER have it ever again. But the Fish House people did not charge me for it since I drank a sip of it and left it because I didn't like it. Very sweet, no? It's funny how sophisticated and classy the place was, and we were probably the only people who didn't drive there, instead we hiked :P
Yesterday we walked to Granville Island (we really seem to be doing a lot of walking). It was very nice and the Public Market was very cute too. Oh and the I bought the first season of the original 90210, as I haven't been able to find it online anywhere. Yipeee :) In the evening we almost went clubbing, but decided we were under-dressed after seeing all gals turning out in strapless dresses and high heels. How people can survive without 5 layers of clothes in that cold beats me. And Vancouver Film Festival (VIFF) is also on. Somehow wherever we go there seems to be a film festival going on. TIFF was on when we landed in Toronto.
Tomorrow is a long bus journey, so I'm glad I bought an iPod, brought Sons & Lovers and brought my laptop.
--------------
I loved travelling in that Moose Travels tour bus. The people were really friendly. The overnight stay at Shushwap Lake was quite memorable, with cute Australian guys in the same room, haha. And the discussion on who was from where over dinner in that very typical pub/grill place was so interesting. Almost made me wish I had been travelling for as long as some of them had. One of the guys was doing an around the world in an year trip. So cool.
Dated 13 Oct '09
Ok so the first 2 days of our trip are done, and we leave Vancouver tomorrow morning.
The hostel that we're staying in right now is really nice and comfy, with a dorm of 4 and comfy fat blankets and pretty washrooms and decent breakfast!
Vancouver in general seems much nicer than Toronto. The people for one thing are much nicer and friendlier and helpful. It seems cheaper too, at least for transportation. There is no Provincial Tax, unlike the 8% in stupid Toronto. And plus this place is soo superbly beautiful. The fall leaves are all turning red, and this morning when we were walking towards University of British Columbia, a red tree would suddenly pop out of green coniferous (I think) trees. Very beautiful.
Which brings me to how absolutely marvelous the UBC campus is! It seems much nicer than York, bigger, greener, cleaner, with (nude) beaches next to campus. Oh and we saw fraternity/sorority houses, with their Greek names. So much fun. I wonder how popular they are in Canadian unis. I really do wish I could transfer to UBC. I'm sure I would have liked the calmness of the city. To a certain extent I regret not having researched more on unis before coming here.
Then we went to Stanley Park, which is simply HUGE. We spent most of the day walking, mostly in circles. And then at the end of the day got lost, and had to lumber around in the dark towards the Fish House, where we has a reservation. But it turned out to be nice food, I had to have the Penne Pasta, as it was the only veg thing they had. But then the Lava Cake was quite decent. Though Bloody Mary was simply awful. Note to self - NEVER have it ever again. But the Fish House people did not charge me for it since I drank a sip of it and left it because I didn't like it. Very sweet, no? It's funny how sophisticated and classy the place was, and we were probably the only people who didn't drive there, instead we hiked :P
Yesterday we walked to Granville Island (we really seem to be doing a lot of walking). It was very nice and the Public Market was very cute too. Oh and the I bought the first season of the original 90210, as I haven't been able to find it online anywhere. Yipeee :) In the evening we almost went clubbing, but decided we were under-dressed after seeing all gals turning out in strapless dresses and high heels. How people can survive without 5 layers of clothes in that cold beats me. And Vancouver Film Festival (VIFF) is also on. Somehow wherever we go there seems to be a film festival going on. TIFF was on when we landed in Toronto.
Tomorrow is a long bus journey, so I'm glad I bought an iPod, brought Sons & Lovers and brought my laptop.
--------------
I loved travelling in that Moose Travels tour bus. The people were really friendly. The overnight stay at Shushwap Lake was quite memorable, with cute Australian guys in the same room, haha. And the discussion on who was from where over dinner in that very typical pub/grill place was so interesting. Almost made me wish I had been travelling for as long as some of them had. One of the guys was doing an around the world in an year trip. So cool.
George Harrison, The Beatles
America has everything, why should they want us.
The world used us as an excuse to go mad.
Gossip is the Devil's radio.
I wanted to be successful, not famous.
Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.
All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
Life flows on within you and without you.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
The world used us as an excuse to go mad.
Gossip is the Devil's radio.
I wanted to be successful, not famous.
Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.
All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
Life flows on within you and without you.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
Friday, March 19, 2010
PDA in Bollywood
What is it about watching two Indians smooching, and perhaps more, on the big screen that sends shivers down our spine? Why is it that people, the same people who are comfortable watching movies like Basic Instinct and American Pie, cover up their eyes or avert their faces when even the remotest hint of a liplock comes up in Bollywood? I know, because I am one of those who cringed in the Ishqiya scene involving Arshad Warsi and Vidya Balan.
Does it have something to do with how we're brought up, where sex is a forbidden topic and a condom ad on TV the worst, most embarrassing thing that can happen to a family dinner? Does our discomfort and disgust stem from the moral center we can't deny we fall prey to when it comes to people of our own race, while such behaviour is expected from people who hail from a Western culture? Is it because Bollywood directors don't handle it as tastefully? Or have we gotten too used to having the camera glide away at exactly the right moment, leaving the rest upto the imagination of the viewer?
We are the second largest population on the planet. Also the country where the Holy Grail Kamasutra hails from. Then why this double standard?
Does it have something to do with how we're brought up, where sex is a forbidden topic and a condom ad on TV the worst, most embarrassing thing that can happen to a family dinner? Does our discomfort and disgust stem from the moral center we can't deny we fall prey to when it comes to people of our own race, while such behaviour is expected from people who hail from a Western culture? Is it because Bollywood directors don't handle it as tastefully? Or have we gotten too used to having the camera glide away at exactly the right moment, leaving the rest upto the imagination of the viewer?
We are the second largest population on the planet. Also the country where the Holy Grail Kamasutra hails from. Then why this double standard?
H. L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
Life is a dead-end street.
Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
Temptation is a woman's weapon and a man's excuse.
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
Time stays, we go.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
Life is a dead-end street.
Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
Temptation is a woman's weapon and a man's excuse.
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
Time stays, we go.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
♥ ♥ ♥
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
I can see your halo halo halo
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
I can see your halo halo halo
Norah Jones ♥
It’s not hard. It’s painful, but it’s not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be in this much pain.
I try to quit you but I'm too weak.
And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep.
The prettiest thing
I ever did see
Was dusty as the handle on the door
Rusty as a nail stuck in the old pine floor
Looks like home to me
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching tear drops in my hand
All your love
Is a lost balloon
Rising up through the afternoon
'Til it could fit on the head of a pin
Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.
Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
And I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.
When you sail across the ocean waters,
And you reach the other side safely,
Could you smile a little smile for me?
'cause I'll be thinkin' about you.
I try to quit you but I'm too weak.
And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep.
The prettiest thing
I ever did see
Was dusty as the handle on the door
Rusty as a nail stuck in the old pine floor
Looks like home to me
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching tear drops in my hand
All your love
Is a lost balloon
Rising up through the afternoon
'Til it could fit on the head of a pin
Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.
Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
And I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.
When you sail across the ocean waters,
And you reach the other side safely,
Could you smile a little smile for me?
'cause I'll be thinkin' about you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Vindictive bitch
There is a certain pleasure we take in thinking about how bad it gets and then imagining how it will inevitably get worse. And still, we survive. Maybe one day it'll all just fall apart, and there is a certain gratification in that thought too.
Know your limitations well, so that you can hide them from others better.
All mock meat tastes the same. Why do they even bother making it in different colours?
Some things just stop working.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever.
Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same.
You are like the candle to whom I am drawn like a moth, knowing full well that it can't end well, yet still longing to be close to you.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell was I thinking.
Sometimes I wonder what you were thinking.
Sometimes I wonder why we both weren't thinking.
Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby I can see your halo,
You know you're my saving grace.
Know your limitations well, so that you can hide them from others better.
All mock meat tastes the same. Why do they even bother making it in different colours?
Some things just stop working.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever.
Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same.
You are like the candle to whom I am drawn like a moth, knowing full well that it can't end well, yet still longing to be close to you.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell was I thinking.
Sometimes I wonder what you were thinking.
Sometimes I wonder why we both weren't thinking.
Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby I can see your halo,
You know you're my saving grace.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I hate today
My throat hurts so bad. Every time I swallow it hurts. I think it is the reason why I woke up in an hour only, because I was subconsciously conscious of my throat hurting. I feel so tired. My face looks like I've just recovered from a month long illness. To the point that the Subway guy told me yesterday in a very soothing voice "Aww you look so tired! Do you still have exams?" I skipped 2 classes today so that I would rest. Because sitting for 2 hours in the first one felt like eternity. But sitting in room hasn't helped either. Now I need to go as far as the Science library to get a book to study for the meeting with prof tomorrow. So I need to gather the strength to do so from somewhere. I keep opening and re-opening Facebook every 5 seconds, as if a new notification flag will somehow make everything okay. It doesn't.
Please, get the hell outta my life.
I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.
I may be a horrible unbearable unforgiving rude person, but at the end of the day, I would still rather be me than be someone else.
I may be a horrible unbearable unforgiving rude person, but at the end of the day, I would still rather be me than be someone else.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Khushiyaan kisi ke gam se, raunak kisi ke dam se..
There is a class of people who, maybe because it happens so infrequently, feel the need to flaunt any happiness which comes their way, rub it in others' faces, most often in unseemly ways, which is at times annoying, at others pathetic, to some times when it's downright painful. God help these people. Because I can't.
Candy!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, oh my God, CANDY!!! :D :P
Candy is good for you.
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of the pieces.
Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.
I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert.
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
I don't drown my sorrows; I suffocate them with chocolate chip cookies.
Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but woman sure can.
Chocolate is an antidepressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight.
I don't cry over spilt milk, but a fallen scoop of ice cream is enough to ruin my whole day.
Unless your name ends in Baskin or Robbins, I really can't fit you into my schedule right now.
Candy is good for you.
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of the pieces.
Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.
I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert.
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
I don't drown my sorrows; I suffocate them with chocolate chip cookies.
Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but woman sure can.
Chocolate is an antidepressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight.
I don't cry over spilt milk, but a fallen scoop of ice cream is enough to ruin my whole day.
Unless your name ends in Baskin or Robbins, I really can't fit you into my schedule right now.
My immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sometimes, all you can do is cry.
Today, as I was clearing my camera's memory card photos, I chanced upon some random pics I took in the last few days in Toronto. I know the picture below seems unremarkable, nothing to set it apart from the others. But the moment I saw it, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like there was such a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach. Happens whenever I remember small little details. Everytime. Oh God when will I stop missing it.
The heater, and how for the first month it used to give out cold air. The window, out of which I saw falling snow in Toronto for the first time, and how happy and excited I was and how I messaged everyone I knew. The tree outside my room, of which I saw the leaves turn from green to yellow-red and then fall off, and the squirrel which jumped around, first on the leaves then the snow. The window ledge, on which I kept my toiletries. That bottle which is in Hong Kong right now I think. How I felt the first day when I walked into that room and tried to fathom how it would be my home for a whole semester, how I'd felt when we were driving into campus for the very first time and tried to make myself understand that this was it. How we got lost on the way to McLaughlin College, and then the loud music that greeted us when we reached there. The Winters College pub. Queuing up in Tim Hortons queues for an Iced Cap even though it was freezing outside.
I've almost forgotten what it was like to need gloves so bad you would freeze if you ventured out without them. How I forgot how cold it was outside one day and had to walk 10 minutes in the cold in flip flops to my class, by the end of which my feet were ready to fall off. How you had to take off your jacket and scarf and gloves when you reached class and hung it over the back of your chair. And sitting in the Prism labs on Thursdays, trying to finish the killer Gunnar assignments.
Where walking to York Lanes to get soup and a bagel sandwich from Canadian Bagel meant something. Where a mix of fruit salad was dinner sometimes. And the Italian place Mangia Mangia with its Indian staff, and how the old Punjabi aunty told me on the last day "it was nice doing business with you" when I told her I would not be returning next sem.
Where you had to wear boots so you wouldn't slip on the ice. How everything was covered in snow after the first snowstorm within an hour. The Boat Cruise and the amazing Toronto skyline. And Fall. And how absolutely gorgeous it was. And how beautiful British Columbia was, with its red trees and the amazing UBC campus. And Alberta and the Rockies. And the people in that Moose Tour bus. And then the French Canada trip. And Quebec with its very French charm. And the pickles.
Oh gosh! Make this stream of memories stop.
The heater, and how for the first month it used to give out cold air. The window, out of which I saw falling snow in Toronto for the first time, and how happy and excited I was and how I messaged everyone I knew. The tree outside my room, of which I saw the leaves turn from green to yellow-red and then fall off, and the squirrel which jumped around, first on the leaves then the snow. The window ledge, on which I kept my toiletries. That bottle which is in Hong Kong right now I think. How I felt the first day when I walked into that room and tried to fathom how it would be my home for a whole semester, how I'd felt when we were driving into campus for the very first time and tried to make myself understand that this was it. How we got lost on the way to McLaughlin College, and then the loud music that greeted us when we reached there. The Winters College pub. Queuing up in Tim Hortons queues for an Iced Cap even though it was freezing outside.
I've almost forgotten what it was like to need gloves so bad you would freeze if you ventured out without them. How I forgot how cold it was outside one day and had to walk 10 minutes in the cold in flip flops to my class, by the end of which my feet were ready to fall off. How you had to take off your jacket and scarf and gloves when you reached class and hung it over the back of your chair. And sitting in the Prism labs on Thursdays, trying to finish the killer Gunnar assignments.
Where walking to York Lanes to get soup and a bagel sandwich from Canadian Bagel meant something. Where a mix of fruit salad was dinner sometimes. And the Italian place Mangia Mangia with its Indian staff, and how the old Punjabi aunty told me on the last day "it was nice doing business with you" when I told her I would not be returning next sem.
Where you had to wear boots so you wouldn't slip on the ice. How everything was covered in snow after the first snowstorm within an hour. The Boat Cruise and the amazing Toronto skyline. And Fall. And how absolutely gorgeous it was. And how beautiful British Columbia was, with its red trees and the amazing UBC campus. And Alberta and the Rockies. And the people in that Moose Tour bus. And then the French Canada trip. And Quebec with its very French charm. And the pickles.
Oh gosh! Make this stream of memories stop.
Shut up. I wear heels. Bigger than your dick :D
It’s hard to believe we aren't those kids anymore; almost as hard as it is to believe we ever were.
I’m a person who has high highs and low lows. A lot of things make me sad. Sometimes it's almost easier to be sad. But you have to find a balance. And I think that as I get older, I am learning what I can do for myself to make happy.
Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing now as you can. And don't put off being happy until some future date.
When your life is pulling you in every direction, close your eyes and forget where you are. Just think of where you want to be.
If you're not living life on edge, you're taking up too much space.
If it's the thought that counts, then you can count on me. I think about you all the time.
You keep telling me to be glad for what we had while we had it. That the brightest flame burns the quickest. Which means that you saw us as a candle, while I saw us as the sun.
Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.
You can never love people as much as you can miss them.
Because sometimes caring enough to try is enough.
I’m a person who has high highs and low lows. A lot of things make me sad. Sometimes it's almost easier to be sad. But you have to find a balance. And I think that as I get older, I am learning what I can do for myself to make happy.
Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing now as you can. And don't put off being happy until some future date.
When your life is pulling you in every direction, close your eyes and forget where you are. Just think of where you want to be.
If you're not living life on edge, you're taking up too much space.
If it's the thought that counts, then you can count on me. I think about you all the time.
You keep telling me to be glad for what we had while we had it. That the brightest flame burns the quickest. Which means that you saw us as a candle, while I saw us as the sun.
Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.
You can never love people as much as you can miss them.
Because sometimes caring enough to try is enough.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Palindromes
RADAR, MADAM
WOW, MUM, DAD, 20:02 20-02-2002
LOL, CIVIC, ROTOR, ROTATOR, RACECAR
WAS IT A RAT I SAW
STEP ON NO PETS
NEVER ODD OR EVEN
DO GEESE SEE GOD
A MAN, A PLAN A CANAL PANAMA
ABLE WAS I ERE I SAW ELBA
I ROAMED UNDER IT AS A TIRED NUDE MAORI
Fall leaves as soon as leaves fall
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
WOW, MUM, DAD, 20:02 20-02-2002
LOL, CIVIC, ROTOR, ROTATOR, RACECAR
WAS IT A RAT I SAW
STEP ON NO PETS
NEVER ODD OR EVEN
DO GEESE SEE GOD
A MAN, A PLAN A CANAL PANAMA
ABLE WAS I ERE I SAW ELBA
I ROAMED UNDER IT AS A TIRED NUDE MAORI
Fall leaves as soon as leaves fall
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Hurt Locker
You know, you love playing with that. You love playing with all your stuffed animals. You love your Mommy, your Daddy. You love your pajamas. You love everything, don't ya? Yea. But you know what, buddy? As you get older, some of the things that you love might not seem so special anymore, you know. Like your Jack-in-a-Box. Maybe you'll realize it's just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal. And then you forget the few things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it's only one or two things. With me, I think it's one.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
In the memories, there is solace
Oh, never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
And I'll remember
A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories, there is solace
To all those who've drifted away..
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
And I'll remember
A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories, there is solace
To all those who've drifted away..
Some things are better left unsaid. Learn to recognize them.
Have you ever been exposed to more information than you ever needed to know about a certain matter? Where the more you're told, the lesser you want to know? And wish there was a way you could un-know what you already know? Where it amazes you that people would actually share so much more than you would ever consider appropriate, things that you were really much better off not knowing? These are things I don't want to know, never need to know, and your sharing about them with me makes not thinking about them very hard, SO DON'T TELL ME! PLEASE!
Psychoanalyzing the need for validation
We all need to feel validated once in a while, to be made to feel like we actually do matter, that our existence does not go unnoticed, that if we were to go missing tomorrow, somebody would actually realize it. We crack a joke, we look around to see if anyone is laughing. We pass a snide comment, we check if other's have a reaction.
I know I do. Part of the reason I blog is validation, for me to put my thoughts out there, so others can read it. And in their agreeing with what I say, or even having a differing view, any kind of reaction, makes me feel more worthy of their attention.
I know I do. Part of the reason I blog is validation, for me to put my thoughts out there, so others can read it. And in their agreeing with what I say, or even having a differing view, any kind of reaction, makes me feel more worthy of their attention.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Boo's
We've all gotten drunk and done stupid things some time or the other. If you haven't, your task for the day is, go out, get drunk, do something stupid.
We know we would like to blame the alcohol for our actions that follow. But we also know, deep in our hearts, that we only do things that we always wanted to do, just didn't have the guts to do when we were sober, whatever the reason behind it might be. We don't hide things anymore, that is why it's so easy to get secrets out of people when they're drunk. The baser instincts come to the surface, and our moral center goes right out the window.
I know my main reason for drinking is to behave in a certain way, and then to be able to blame it on alcohol. To have a free pass for a certain time when I cannot he held accountable or responsible for what I do or say. Of course, then you wake up the next day feeling like crap and remember, "Oh shit! Why did I have to do that now!" As Ernest Hemingway put it, always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A dying man does not lie. The funny thing is, neither does a drunk one.
We know we would like to blame the alcohol for our actions that follow. But we also know, deep in our hearts, that we only do things that we always wanted to do, just didn't have the guts to do when we were sober, whatever the reason behind it might be. We don't hide things anymore, that is why it's so easy to get secrets out of people when they're drunk. The baser instincts come to the surface, and our moral center goes right out the window.
I know my main reason for drinking is to behave in a certain way, and then to be able to blame it on alcohol. To have a free pass for a certain time when I cannot he held accountable or responsible for what I do or say. Of course, then you wake up the next day feeling like crap and remember, "Oh shit! Why did I have to do that now!" As Ernest Hemingway put it, always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A dying man does not lie. The funny thing is, neither does a drunk one.
Zimbabwe's forgotten children, struggling to survive
Here I sit in my room, with everything I need within an arm's distance. My biggest worry at the moment is whether I will be able to get over my laziness and finish researching for my ISM before I meet the prof in another 5 hours. And then I chance upon this.
Do you ever feel shallow? When you're drowning yourself in self-pity, do you ever stop to think about how pathetic your problems are? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you had no food, no place to stay, no parents, or maybe even sick parents and siblings whom you have to take care of and provide for? I know I don't. I wail and whine about how broke I am, but that doesn't stop from planning overseas vacations, or spending $40 on a meal. That 40 dollars which could very well support an entire family for a week in many parts of the world. Do you ever feel shallow?
Whenever any overseas volunteer trips are organised, I always convince myself that they are too expensive, and yet I found the money to go on exchange. And I want to spend a lot more on traveling, do a Europe and Australia and South America trip someday maybe. Why? So I can get more cultured? More learned in the ways of the world? How much will I really learn if I only look at the beauty of the world and ignore its ugliness. For believe me, there is a lot of ugliness out there. A LOT of poverty, misery, hunger, child labour.
If you feel you had a hard childhood, ask yourself, did you have to support your family by digging bones and selling them?
If you feel you had hard teens, ask yourself, did you wish someone close who was dying of AIDS would die faster, so you would be able to live just a little bit better?
Do you ever feel shallow? When you're drowning yourself in self-pity, do you ever stop to think about how pathetic your problems are? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you had no food, no place to stay, no parents, or maybe even sick parents and siblings whom you have to take care of and provide for? I know I don't. I wail and whine about how broke I am, but that doesn't stop from planning overseas vacations, or spending $40 on a meal. That 40 dollars which could very well support an entire family for a week in many parts of the world. Do you ever feel shallow?
Whenever any overseas volunteer trips are organised, I always convince myself that they are too expensive, and yet I found the money to go on exchange. And I want to spend a lot more on traveling, do a Europe and Australia and South America trip someday maybe. Why? So I can get more cultured? More learned in the ways of the world? How much will I really learn if I only look at the beauty of the world and ignore its ugliness. For believe me, there is a lot of ugliness out there. A LOT of poverty, misery, hunger, child labour.
If you feel you had a hard childhood, ask yourself, did you have to support your family by digging bones and selling them?
If you feel you had hard teens, ask yourself, did you wish someone close who was dying of AIDS would die faster, so you would be able to live just a little bit better?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
We don't stop loving someone, we simply learn to live without them.
The older you get, the more you realise that certain people should be around you for life, while others should just make an appearance.
We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.
There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are".
She even had a kind of special position among men: she was an exception, she fitted none of the categories they commonly used when talking about girls; she wasn't a cock-teaser, a cold fish, an easy lay or a sneaky bitch; she was an honorary person. She had grown to share their contempt for most women.
We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.
There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are".
She even had a kind of special position among men: she was an exception, she fitted none of the categories they commonly used when talking about girls; she wasn't a cock-teaser, a cold fish, an easy lay or a sneaky bitch; she was an honorary person. She had grown to share their contempt for most women.
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