Sometimes, all you can do is cry.

Today, as I was clearing my camera's memory card photos, I chanced upon some random pics I took in the last few days in Toronto. I know the picture below seems unremarkable, nothing to set it apart from the others. But the moment I saw it, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like there was such a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach. Happens whenever I remember small little details. Everytime. Oh God when will I stop missing it.

The heater, and how for the first month it used to give out cold air. The window, out of which I saw falling snow in Toronto for the first time, and how happy and excited I was and how I messaged everyone I knew. The tree outside my room, of which I saw the leaves turn from green to yellow-red and then fall off, and the squirrel which jumped around, first on the leaves then the snow. The window ledge, on which I kept my toiletries. That bottle which is in Hong Kong right now I think. How I felt the first day when I walked into that room and tried to fathom how it would be my home for a whole semester, how I'd felt when we were driving into campus for the very first time and tried to make myself understand that this was it. How we got lost on the way to McLaughlin College, and then the loud music that greeted us when we reached there. The Winters College pub. Queuing up in Tim Hortons queues for an Iced Cap even though it was freezing outside.

I've almost forgotten what it was like to need gloves so bad you would freeze if you ventured out without them. How I forgot how cold it was outside one day and had to walk 10 minutes in the cold in flip flops to my class, by the end of which my feet were ready to fall off. How you had to take off your jacket and scarf and gloves when you reached class and hung it over the back of your chair. And sitting in the Prism labs on Thursdays, trying to finish the killer Gunnar assignments.

Where walking to York Lanes to get soup and a bagel sandwich from Canadian Bagel meant something. Where a mix of fruit salad was dinner sometimes. And the Italian place Mangia Mangia with its Indian staff, and how the old Punjabi aunty told me on the last day "it was nice doing business with you" when I told her I would not be returning next sem.

Where you had to wear boots so you wouldn't slip on the ice. How everything was covered in snow after the first snowstorm within an hour. The Boat Cruise and the amazing Toronto skyline. And Fall. And how absolutely gorgeous it was. And how beautiful British Columbia was, with its red trees and the amazing UBC campus. And Alberta and the Rockies. And the people in that Moose Tour bus. And then the French Canada trip. And Quebec with its very French charm. And the pickles.

Oh gosh! Make this stream of memories stop.