Story of a girl

She was getting married today. All her childhood dreams finally seemed to be coming true. Prince Charming. An elaborate wedding. An exquisite gown.

She needed this. She'd had a hard life. She'd couldn't even remember her father, he'd left them when she was still a toddler. Her mother had been all she'd had, and then she too had passed away a few years ago. She had felt so lost then, so anchorless, until her fiance had introduced her to his mother. In her she had found a new mother, a new hope, a new sense of direction. With this wonderful new family, she could imagine spending the rest of her life with.

She had singlehandedly built a career for herself. To someone on the outside, she had it all. Money, career, fame, love, stability. It was only those closest to her who knew of her pain, her struggles, her losses. But today she was ready to let go of that baggage. Today she would let herself be free, be happy.

She heard a knock on the door, and Tony came in. He looked solemn. Concerned, she asked him what was wrong.

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No, this could not be happening. This could NOT be happening. She could see her entire world come crashing down around her. She had to leave, had to get away. She packed a small bag and left. No goodbyes, no explanations. She did not have the strength for that anymore.

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It had been almost a month since she had been left almost at the altar. The pain still cut through her like an icy knife. She had seen an entire life with this man and his family, and he had ended it, just like that, with a few words.

She was trying to drown her sorrows. She had been living in a daze, a kind of stupor. Too much pain, too much alcohol, too many men. She had not stayed in the same place for more than a night. Just got on to a bus or a train whenever she could. It was like she was trying to run away from her sorrows, but no matter how hard or fast or far she ran, they somehow always managed to catch up with her. A Euro tour had been her lifelong dream, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined enjoying it so little. One city merged into another, museums to beaches to sunrises to sunsets to yet another sunrise. Sometimes she had just did not had the strength to get up from the hotel bed all day. Sometimes she would go for long runs along beaches, hoping that the beauty would soothe her, or that by tiring her body enough, her mind would stop thinking. Nothing had worked. Days blurred. As did nights.

In the last month, she had called one person close to her every week to let them know she was still alive so they wouldn't worry themselves sick. But she did not want to be found, so she never told them where she was, just that she was travelling. Today she would call the woman whom she knew would be able to tell her what to do. She had wanted to call her much earlier, but she knew being the mother of her fiancé, wait ex-fiancé, it would be hard for her to be objective. She went into the phone booth, put in a few coins, and dialled the number that was etched into her memory.

"Hello?" Just hearing that voice calmed her down in a way nothing else had so far.

"Hi, Ma, it's me".

"Oh my God, I'm so glad you called. I've been so worried. Honey, how are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm trying to cope, the best way I can. I knew you would be worried, I'm sorry for not calling earlier. But I just didn't know what I would say to you. I just don't know, what to do, what to say anymore." She was tearing up. All the pain, the anguish that she had tried to keep suppressed, it was rearing its ugly head again.

"Oh, it's alright honey. Just tell me where you are, I'll come get you."

"It's ok Ma, I'm fine. At least I will be. If only I understood why, where I went wrong, maybe I would be able to accept it. I thought I knew him, knew how he felt. I'm sure the signs must have been there, maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. I was too selfish, too busy being happy to realize he wasn't."

"No luv, you can't blame yourself for this. You deserved happiness. And I thought that you two would make a great couple. And if there were signs that he wasn't happy, I should have seen them too. I'm his mother after all. But then again, he's always been such a reserved boy. The only person I ever saw him open up to you was you. But maybe some things just aren't meant to be."

"Mom, who is it?"
"Oh, Tony, umm.."
"It's her, isn't it?"
"Err.. yeah."
"Can I talk to her?"
"I don't think she wants to.."

"No, it's ok Ma, put him on the line. I think it's time."

"Hi Cassandra."

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had been trying to forget the sound of his voice and how it made him feel for the past one month. Yet longing for him, his words, his touch, every moment, every day. And here he was, on the other side of the phone. He must have been on his way out to work. She could just imagine him in his crisp white shirt and black pants and blue jacket, his hair combed back, his shoes shiny. He always had been very particular about looking presentable. She could remember the last time.. No, no, she musn't get carried away in the memories. She had to remind herself of the reality.

She realized she had been unconsciously holding her breath. She sighed, and said "hi".

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days, about why.. how we ended up here. I know I owe you a better explanation than just the few words I said that day. I just.. feel so.. guilty. For breaking your heart, for ending this. I know you were part of my Mom's future dreams too. But I just realized, on that day, that I was going through with the wedding more because it was expected of me, than because I wanted to. And it wouldn't be fair to you, to marry someone who did not love you as much as you deserve to be."

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"I couldn't bring myself to. You seemed so happy. You've been through so much. We've been through so much together. It just seemed wrong to throw it away just because I was feeling unsure. But when I woke up that morning, I just knew. You know in all these years that we've been together, I've been happier than I could ever have imagined, in my wildest dreams. But I think somewhere along the way, we both grew apart. We shared a life, but we never really shared our lives, specially not after the first year together. I'm sorry, I just don't think I love you anymore. I think the best thing for us would be to make a clean break."

"A clean break? Are you serious? After 7 years, after being engaged to you, after all those promises and plans and dreams, you want a clean break? We might not have lived together for all those 7 years, but I have always been there for you. When your career was floundering, when you almost had that affair, even that eccentric abstinence phase, I stayed, and I fought for us. So that one day it would all mean something. And now, when it is your turn, you are just too cowardly to go through with it? Don't shroud it with nice words, don't thank me. You've always known what to say, haven't you? I can't believe I actually used to like that about you. You want a clean break, you can have it. You will never hear from me again. It will be like I never existed."

"Cassandra, I..."

"Goodbye!" He heard a click, and the phone went dead.

It was all she could do to hold on the metal bar in the phone booth to keep herself from crumpling into a heap right there. The cold heartedness of the man to whom she had dedicated it all nearly choked and suffocated her. How could she have been so naive, so blind?

She took a few minutes to compose herself. Then she got up, and walked out of the booth with her head held high. She would remember this day for as long as she lived, but she would never look back. She swore to herself she would never be this vulnerable again. The baby in her womb would be the only reminder in her life of the man she had once loved, and for its sake she would be strong.