The Colbert Report!

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.

Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.

You're either gay or you fight it.

[about Charles Darwin] He got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie?

The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.

Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.

Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!

Reality has become a commodity.

I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.

Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long.

Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.

Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens.

I know the knife is supposed to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go?

Love is a full-length mirror.

The days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect.

Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

If your actions speak louder than words, you're not yelling loud enough.

Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on you again. I am shameless!

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

Don't cry over spoiled milk. Get angry and punch a cow!

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

Equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

Green Day is here to talk about their new album 21st Century Breakdown. I believe it's about Windows Vista.

I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo.

E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine.

Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me.

Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man?

Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night.

Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly.

Congratulations to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" on its 13 Oscar nominations. See, Americans do support torture.